I've Already Paid the Price So You Don't Have Too (An Open Love Letter to My Daughters)

This is my open love letter to my daughters, Ge’Von Holloway and Zaneta Hearst, and a re-assurance for my granddaughters, Skye and Payton and any future grandchildren. So when you question if I love you, remember what is written here, and always know, I love you more than you love yourself. Just as Christ has paid the price for our salvation, I too have paid a price for your life. I have the two scars to prove it and I shed my blood for your life.

I have made good choices and bad choices in life. I have experienced pleasure and pain in life. I have made mild mistakes and major mistakes. So when you think I’m being too controlling, know that I’m being overprotective. Will I ever get to the point in my life where I’m not overprotective, yes I will. It will be the day that my heart stops beating permanently. You two are the best gifts; I would be foolish to not want greatness for you.

If I don’t like someone you are dating it’s because I know you deserve better and/or I've seen that spirit before. I will forever want my daughters to have the best man God has created for them. As I look over my life, I have made some bad choices in some of the men I have dated. One of the things I learned from dad was how to walk away from a relationship. Some I should have walked away sooner than later. You don’t have to be someone’s chick on the side, I played that role and it never amounts to anything but a broken heart. Pre-marital sex does not guarantee a successful relationship; I’ve tried that before also. Trust me when I say save it for your husband. I’ve even stayed in a bad relationship to prove my mother wrong. All I got out of it was a beautiful daughter. Yes, that’s you Ge’Von.

I have sacrificed a lot so that you can have a better life. Being a single parent is not an easy job, but motherhood is a very rewarding career. So if you think I’m too judgmental of you, know that is not the case. I know each of your abilities and will not allow you settle for what is beneath you. You both are very talented and intelligent young women. Use your intelligence for greatness, but not so you can fit in with the wrong crowd. What’s the wrong crowd? People that don’t want anything out of life, but what they can use other people for. People that think they know what’s better for you than I do.

You know how to succeed financially; you both learned how to count money at an early age. So your financial struggles should be minimal or non-existent. Remember your mother is the women that worked three jobs to keep us afloat. I planted the seed so you two would always have a roof over your head. You two are the reason I never lost our home during the foreclosure crisis.

Ge’Von you choose not to attend college, but you have been successful at every job you have had. If you ever decide to go after your degree (something I’ve prayed for), you will be even more successful. Zaneta you are in college now and will be a success during and after graduation. Encourage and reinforce Skye and Payton’s educational achievements and any of your future children. Ge’Von you have excellent oratorical and writing skills, pass that on to your children. Zaneta you have a technical mind, share your knowledge with your future children.

You may not like some of the decisions I’ve made, but know I have your best interest at heart. Sometimes God uses me as His rod of correction. You may not see it now, but you will definitely see it later. I have fasted and prayed and prayed and fasted for your successes in life, that’s why I say things when you get off course. If I didn’t love you, I would be like some parents that cut their children off when they turn 18. I will not carry you financially, but I will assist you when I know you are doing your best.

I don’t show favoritism between you two nor do I love one more than the other. You both have been afforded the same opportunities. I have encouraged your love and bond between each other because I do not have a bond with my sisters. Your love for each other has broken the curse that has been on our family for too many generations. Look at Skye and Payton’s relationship, also proof generational curses can be broken. You both are further along in your spiritual walk than I was at your ages. I see your lights when I look at you. I pray you two will go back to worshiping through praise dancing; you have such a great anointing that flows from you.

So my daughters as you reflect on our lives together, the good times, the bad times, the successes, and the failures, remember you don’t have to walk the path I did or experience some of the things I have, I’ve already paid the price so you don’t have too. So any bad examples I have lead is a teaching lesson for you not to follow. Allow my mistakes to be your stepping stones to success. Continue to be the lineage that breaks the generational curses on our family. You are already off to a great start by being two loving sisters and I will continue to fast and pray and pray and fast for you both.

I love you much more than you will ever know,

Your Mother

My Emptynest and Valentine’s Day

Tomorrow will be Valentine’s Day and once again this year I’m single. According to society I should be very unhappy and miserable tomorrow, but I’m not.

The last time I was involved with someone on Valentine’s Day, was in 2006, the year the Lord allowed me to go through several, and I mean several storms. The guy I was involved with was in serious trip mode, probably because the woman he was cheating with got tired of being the one on the side. How do I know, I read the text message she sent him. On Valentine’s 2006, he was acting a butt (I’m working on not cussing). He hurt my feelings so much on that day that I made a commitment to myself that I would not allow Valentine’s Day determine my worth or happiness as a woman.

So for the past four years, I have not allowed this day to bother me until for a brief moment this evening. This guy from church and I were pumping our gas and he started boasting about what he’s planning to do for his wife tomorrow. I have to admit, I was a little jealous. What made me jealous, when he starting boasting about the six business suits he bought his wife from Macy’s for her birthday. My heart sank, because I would love to have my own man to shower me with gifts on my birthday.

Oh you thought I would be jealous of his wife’s Valentine’s gifts, nope it was the birthday presents that got me. He was so proud to be able to purchase gifts for his wife. He was acting like a high school boy being able to take his girlfriend to McDonald’s after the game. On my last birthday, my Omaha babe, sang to me expressing how he felt about me at the time. That meant so much to me and I’m sure he doesn’t really know how much. But it was a gift from his heart that’s why it meant so much.

Tomorrow at work will be a very busy day of flower deliveries. Maybe I should stop and buy a rose for my co-workers that are single to help them feel better. Or maybe they feel like I do, bump Valentine’s Day, where’s my birthday present. I feel the same way about Mother’s Day and Christmas. I have the greatest gifts any woman could want for Mother’s Day, grandchildren. I got over expecting gifts for Christmas after having my first child. I realized then, it’s all about your kids, and you don’t matter anymore.

It took me a couple of years after my Dad passed away to really enjoy celebrating my birthday again. On my birthday, he always made me feel as though I was the most important person in his world. That’s why I love my birthdays so much because it’s the day the Lord chose for me, which means it’s mine.

So as everyone is running to the stores looking for the perfect card, gift, and flowers, I sit at home writing this blog. When I finish writing, I’ll start on my homework, complete my workout, say my prayers, and go to sleep. Tomorrow, I’ll wear my red like my co-worker asked and enjoy the day for the ones that Valentine’s Day means so much for them.

I’m sure some couple's relationship may end because he didn’t send flowers for all her co-workers to see or he didn’t buy the right gift. For me, it will be and probably for the rest of my life, just February 14, another day to wear red. It will also always be a reminder that on this day in 1985, I went into labor with my first child and she showed up two days later. Happy Birthday Baby GeGe!

Time to Walk Away…

Turning your back on someone isn’t an easy thing to do, but sometimes a necessary thing to do. I had to make that decision about someone last night. I love this person dearly, but I can’t handle watching this person continuously make the same stupid mistakes over and over again, on purpose. So I figured, it would be in the best interest of everyone involved if I just kept my distance.

No, this wasn’t an easy decision, but a necessary one, necessary for both of our spiritual growth and development. When you truly love someone, you do whatever you can to provide positive support. In this situation, the support was beginning to have a negative effect on me. Statistically, I have more years behind me than in front of me so I need to eliminate all unnecessary stress.

I’m not the perfect woman, never claimed to be, but I’ve made enough stupid mistakes and made enough idiotic decisions to know when someone else is getting ready to repeat history. So for this person to think I’m jealous of their life verses concern for their welfare, means I need to back off and let school begin for them. The best lessons learned are the taught lessons. I’ve had a lot of taught lessons; so many that I would just rather submit to God’s will and be obedient. Those spiritual spankings are not worth it anymore; they definitely hurt and leave lasting memories.

But who knows, maybe me making the decision to distance myself from this person is what God needed me to do so that He can get their full attention. And if that’s what it takes to get this person on the right track and to realize, He is not going to be mocked, then so be it.

A friend of mine told me last night while I was venting, that remember Christ has already paid the price so you don’t have to. And she’s right; I don’t have to continuously hit my head against brick walls, just march around them like they did the city of Jericho. Come day seven, whenever that maybe, I’ll just shout and watch the walls fall.

If I Wasn’t Married, You Would Be My Girlfriend

If I wasn’t married you would be my girlfriend, that’s what he said to me. Then as I was exiting the door, he whispered in my ear, you are my girlfriend. All I wanted to do was watch the Super Bowl, the only time I pay full attention to football, besides the playoffs. What I think he really wanted to say is, I wish my wife would have come. At the watch party I attended, the men did all the cooking and all the serving. The women were told to sit back and relax. So when this guy kept offering to bring me things, I thought nothing of it; that was until the game was over. That’s when he said it; if I wasn’t married you would be my girlfriend.

Did he have that much disrespect for me and his wife that he felt comfortable enough to make the comment? Then to claim me as his girlfriend was an even greater insult, I’m too old to be any man’s girlfriend. I don’t want that title, unless I’m my husband’s girlfriend for the moment.

His comment got me to thinking that lately I have been attracting a lot of married men. Does something about me cast off the image of mistress? I hope not because I made that mistake once years ago and promised God if He got me out of the situation, I would never ever do it again. That is unless I’m acting as my husband’s mistress.

So wives be forewarned, not all women will react the way I did. Even if you don’t like football or other sports, fake it. I gained my interest in football because I wanted to hang out with my big brother. Husbands and wives, in my opinion, need to be the best hang out buddies. Men are visual and are easily distracted by the slightest movement of a woman, so be that slightest movement as much as possible. I’m not saying attend every sporting event, just as many as possible because there are women that don’t mind being the “sport fish”, I’m just not one of them.