Ending of 2010

Ending of 2010

The end of 2010 is approaching and I’ve taken time to reflect upon my year. Let’s see, I entered the year preparing for my daughter’s high school graduation and my college graduation. Her high school graduation caused me to cry several times out of praise to God for getting us to that point of her life. Receiving my first degree caused me tears because I didn’t complete it before my Dad’s death and before my Mom became too ill to really travel comfortably. But I got it, with my Dad’s last name on it, something he wanted.

Then I had foot surgery to remove a bunion that had been bothering me for years. It was an interesting experience because it reversed the parent/child role for a moment; my daughters became my primary caregivers. My granddaughters even tried to help. Skye always made sure I wasn’t hurting and Payton kept trying to take the boot and crutches away.

NeNe went away to college in Virginia. I know she was scared to attend college so far away, but I was very proud of her for taking the challenge. To make her journey to Virginia fun, at every state line we crossed, we stopped at the welcome centers and took pictures. Our funniest stop was in Georgia. It was dark and all the bugs were making noise, the state marker was placed way off from the parking lot. I had to run through the grass begging God not to let anything crawl on me or grab me. I had the itches for a couple of hours.

Gee has made it through an entire year without having to move back home. She came back temporarily when I had my foot surgery and when my car broke down. I have to step back and allow her to experience life’s ups and downs. It’s not easy watching my child bump her head, but the best lessons are the taught lessons. I really don’t want to see her make some of the same stupid mistakes I made, so I continually pray for her life. I’m more of a hindrance to her and I can accept that. The parents I know want their children to have more than what they had in life, me included.

With my new found emptynest, I started to focus on me. I enrolled in college full-time. I knew it would be a challenge because I have been attending part-time for several years. I forgot to take into account, I work full-time. Duh, Lenora, but I took the challenge anyway. I hit a road block with the sudden death of my big brother. It took a moment to get my focus back, but with determination I did. I didn’t do as well as I wanted, my grades were lower than I planned them to be. One class I’ll have to repeat, such is life and I’m not quitting.

My social life isn’t what I really wanted it to be, but I made that determination. Can’t socialize if you don’t leave the house. So I’m making an effort to get out of the house more often during my four weeks break from school. But first I need to get my sleep on, my body is tired. Plus, I love my home and having it all to myself. I’m going to venture outside of the walls, I promise myself.

I’m excited about entering into 2011; I have set some goals to achieve. They’re not resolutions; they will be some lifestyle changes. Things that have been pointed out to me during my mediation time with the Lord. I’ve gotten to the point where I’m tired of repenting and the spiritual spankings. I learned today, while listening to a message by Bishop Benjamin Gibert, I need to determine the things in my life that are wants or needs for me. God said He will supply all of my needs; my wants are favor I would like from Him.

I’ve decided to do something different on New Year’s Eve; I’m going out to a party. That right there might be a blog post in itself.

I Am So In Love...

I am so in love with Lenora (No Middle Name) Hearst. I have known her all of her life. I love the way her hair feels, soft as silk, whether it’s straight or kinky. I love her penetrating eyes that seem to be able see reality. I love her soft full lips, so gentle to the touch. I love the way you can feel the warmth of her heart by the touch of my hands. I love the two Cesarean scares on her stomach, which through them she brought life into the world. I love her legs, long as they may be, for such a short woman. I love her feet, they may seem big for such a petite woman, but those feet have carried her to many places and away from a lot of forbidden territory.

When did I begin falling in love with her, I’m not sure of the time or date. But I remember some moments in her life that caught my attention and caused me to start taking notice. The birth of her first child, she had to make an extremely tough decision within seconds on February 16, 1985. She had to decide on her life or that of her baby, but it had to be now because both of them maybe dying. She chose the life of her child. Even though someone said you can have another baby, she wanted this one. I think she might have remembered God’s promise during her entire pregnancy; He had some plans for this child.

In August 1990, when she realized she was pregnant and at the same time, realized, she would be doing this journey alone. She couldn’t understand why she lost the baby from the man she truly loved, but she knew God gave her this gift of life for a reason. She still appreciates not listening to the naysayers that kept insisting she have an abortion. All these years later, she can laugh at the naysayers because they have yet to realize that her daughter’s name means “Most Gracious Gift from God”.

In August 1997, she left an abusive marriage, the nightmare she calls it. It wasn’t how the nightmare treated her, but when she felt he might be abusing her daughters, it caused her to leave. She chose the safety of her daughters to seek her freedom. Yes, she was talked about for marrying the nightmare so quickly, but only a few took notice that something had to be going on for her to leave. She has it thrown up in face all these years later, but through that nightmare marriage, she gained another connection to God. She learned how much true control over her life He has.

In 2006, God told her He was going to take her through several storms. Those storms taught her many things; developed a strength in her that has caused me to love her so much more. The choices she had to make, the right decisions she made. Imagine how she left during that year, the tax bill on her home caused her mortgage to double, she lost her job, had to give her car back, her first grandchild was about to be born, her home flooded, every utility in her house had been shut off, her bank accounts were either empty or closed, her relationship came to an end, and people she had helped, turned their backs on her. Watching her go through these storms helped me to gain a better understanding of who this woman really is. She never gave up, she hung in there. She cried herself to sleep and got up the next morning with determination to succeed.

In June 2010, her heart became elated, she had accomplished what several people thought would not happen. She graduated with her Associates degree and her younger daughter graduated from high school. She yet again proved the naysayers wrong; both her daughters graduated high school without babies. Why would people want her family to fail still puzzles her, but doesn’t hinder her.

She decided to wait until her daughter left for college to start a serious relationship, but each day she chooses to spend time with me. She doesn’t allow just anyone to come near us. Yeah, she had some romantic interest, but were they really worthy of her love, her mind, her body. Although the news media says women her age will not get married, she chooses to believe what God has said, He knows all.

No Lenora (No Middle Name) Hearst is not perfect, but she’s perfect for me. I love her so much. It tickles me how she has embraced being an emptynester. She’s gone back to school full-time to obtain another degree, for her. She does things like that, she can now. She sacrificed 25 years of her life for her daughters, now it’s her turn. She is truly happy. Like this weekend, she jumped in her car and drove to Omaha to visit her mother and hangout with her friends. She sang to me all the way; no she cannot carry a tune, but the songs came from her heart and that’s what matters. I think she kind of got emotional singing MJB’s I Can See Colors, it described her.

I’m so in love with this woman and if she chooses to open her heart to another man, he would be a fool to let her get away. I’m glad I didn’t sleep on her, I’m glad I took the time to get to know her and appreciate the woman she has become. I love her and I will be letting her know how much I love her each and every second. I won’t waste my time on what others think about her, because they don’t know her, I do. Insight or out of sight, I love me some Lenora (No Middle Name) Hearst, she’s my baby, my girl, my woman.

She’s Coming Home

NeNe is coming home for Thanksgiving. I’m kind of excited to see her, not as excited as her big sister. I’m excited because I can hear a little maturity in her voice. When we talk on the phone, I can hear the independence growing in her. I’m excited because I miss seeing my baby every day by choice.

I hope her time here will do her some good because she has been extremely homesick. The 2:30 a.m. call I received one morning still rings fresh in my memory. It took her dad and me an hour to get her calmed down. It was the call he needed to say, I’m bringing my baby back home. He never wanted her that far away.

NeNe has already made plans to stay with her big sister Gee, which I’m fine with and expected it. Those two are something else together. Always arguing with each other, but hard to separate. Gee has already informed her supervisor she will not be at work because her baby sister is coming home. Nique, NeNe’s best friend, texted me to inform me that she would be picking up NeNe from the airport. Nique is more directionally challenged than I am. I know the names of the airports, she doesn’t.

I hope NeNe’s time here will help her to realize that she isn’t missing much and will agree to complete her full year at VSU. She wants to come back to Texas for school. The distance from home has allowed her to understand and appreciate home. She knows now that I’m not trying to control her, but developing her into a productive, successful woman.

NeNe is coming home, I can hear the excitement in her voice. I’m sure I won’t see much of her because all her friends think it’s all about them. NeNe had the nerve to put me on her schedule, with my car and my money. Imagine that.

NeNe and Gee together again will be a Color Purple moment. Watch out Dallas, the sisters will be back together again in less than 24 hours. I did something right as a mother, I taught my daughters to love one another unconditionally; to depend on each other; to support each other; and to trust each other. Yep, my girls back together again, I’m getting excited just thinking about it.

Missing Him....

I woke up this morning in tears because I am really missing him. I had no idea I would miss him this much. Well, yes I did. I was doing okay until yesterday evening I tried to call him and he wouldn’t answer the phone. I kept saying I know you hear the phone ringing so just answer it. You know it’s me because caller id is flashing across the TV. Man dang it, just answer the phone. Then I realized that it’s not that he wouldn’t answer the phone, he couldn’t. I forgot for the moment, because of the exciting news I wanted to share, that he was gone. He’s resting in peace. The tears began to flow. I couldn’t stop them. I didn’t even realize I had stopped in the middle of the street.

This morning I awoke to the memories of his last day. I can still remember his heart beat as it faded away. I think I’m getting kind of extra emotional because my birthday is coming up. Since I’ve been in Dallas he has called me at 12:01 a.m. every year to wish me Happy Birthday. This year will be different. I’m trying to be excited, I even made plans to celebrate, but the heartache is still present. This is a different heartache from the one I felt in 2004. But it still hurts.

To handle this heartache, I’m not running from God like I did the last time, I’m running to Him. I’m not angry like before, just hurt. I’m still trying to adjust to him being gone as well as one of the Village Moms being gone. Our holidays will be different. This is the first year I will not be going to Omaha for Thanksgiving by choice. The other times either I didn’t have the vacation time or I couldn’t afford it. But this year I don’t want to go. I know I wouldn’t be able to handle it.

So I sit hear crying, missing him and also thanking God for blessing me to have been an important part of his life, one of his baby sisters.

My Emptynest: Is It Really Empty or Are They Just on Vacation?

I was talking to my co-worker Amanda about my daughters and she asked me “is it really empty or are they just on vacation?” And it got me to thinking, would I be wrong if I changed all the locks on the doors to my home? Yes and no. You see this is the first time in my soon to be 48 years of life that I have lived alone. I absolutely love it. It is so much you can do in your home alone. No one asking moma can I have this, when will you this, how come you this, etc.

NeNe wants to come back to Texas for school, she’s extremely homesick. Gee comes over almost every day. My granddaughter Skye is still trying to plot how she is going to move in. I’ve spent a couple of weekends with Payton; she eats too much and she talks a lot, don’t know what she’s saying, but she’s talking to me.

I finally put the shower curtain back up in the “community” bathroom, only because my best friend Jo and my sister Cynthia were coming to visit. I think Gee took it as her invitation to start washing her hair over here again, NOT! I decide to take it back down this weekend. The new shower curtain makes the bathroom look more decorative, but it’s too inviting.

So do I really have my house to myself or are those two daughters really on vacation? When I was preparing the bedroom for Jo’s visit, the room NeNe occupied, I couldn’t believe all the stuff I found. NeNe had money everywhere. I attempted to clean under her bed, big mistake. I think she really was staking her claim to my bedroom I allowed her to utilize all these years. There are so many shoes boxes underneath the bed. I only looked in five boxes, two were empty, one had a book she shouldn’t have been reading in it, another one had markers, pencils and pens in it, and the other had some whatever stuff. I couldn’t go on, had to stop, that will be a project for NeNe when she comes home for Thanksgiving.

Gee fought with me tooth and nail because she didn’t want to remove her stuff from the bedroom she used to occupy. I had to threaten her (well it really wasn’t a threat, because I meant it) with changing the locks. I had already picked out some new ones at Lowes. Gee’s a slick one, I thought she moved her stuff too fast that day. I was right, I checked the closet, she stuffed everything in there. What’s up with my daughters staking claim on my property?

So do I really have an emptynest or are they on vacation? What do you think? Will I get my boarders back, temporarily or permanently? Lord I hope only NeNe comes back temporarily. I’m confident Gee will make it on her own this time, at least until she gets married. She just needs to drop that microwave attitude. Am I wrong because I love my freedom of having my house to myself? All of my utilities have gone down. I finally have a water bill under $65. Would I be wrong if I change all the locks, change the security pass code, and change both my phone numbers? Is that bad parenting or a woman that loves her own space?

I think since I’m finally living alone after almost 48 years of sharing my space, the next person I share it with should be my husband or a puppy. Those daughters of mine need to go on long term vacations. They can make it, I’ve taught them well. Rather they choose to use those skills, it’s on them. BUT I’m keeping my emptynest because it really is empty and they are not on vacation.

He Peeked Into Heaven, Liked What He Saw and Decided to Stay

My big brother peeked into Heaven and liked what he saw and decided to stay. That’s how I’m going to remember Saturday, September 4, 2010. The day my Mom made the difficult decision to remove my brother from life support. We, his five sisters, my Mom, my Aunt Chris, my cousin Sheila, my nephews Marcus and Symieon, and my brother-in-law Vernon watched as Runge slowly drifted off to be with the Lord. I wasn’t in the room when all the equipment and tubes were removed from him, but my brave sister Phyllis was. We each stood by the bed and held on to him, I was still praying for a miracle because I could still feel his heart beat in his right hand. Then it slowly faded away. I place my fingers on his wrist pulse and Cynthia placed her fingers on his neck pulse. Soon I couldn’t feel his wrist pulse any longer. Seconds later Cynthia couldn’t feel his neck pulse. Two nurses checked for his heart beat, but it too was gone. The last time I looked at the clock was 12:11 p.m. Runge entered into the presence of the Lord with his family by his side weeping. We his sisters had loss our brother and our Mother had loss her son, her child, the baby she carried in her womb. Our pain will never compare to hers. We each felt we were his only sister because that’s how he treated us.

My big brother was the second great man of my life to die. Labor Day weekend and September will never be the same for me. In 2004, Labor Day weekend was the last time I spent with my Dad. He died September 18. This past Labor Day weekend, I spent my big brother’s last moments by his side in Bergen Mercy Hospital ICU. I didn’t see my Dad die, but I felt it. I watched my big brother peacefully depart from us. Although I went to Omaha believing in a miracle, I saw the look on Runge’s face and knew he liked what he was seeing In my eyes, he features had transformed into my Dad’s features. I didn’t realize how much the two of them looked alike. When I first arrived at the hospital early Friday morning, I came around the corner of his room and said “damn he looks like Daddy”. I picked up his hand and said “I know you hear me and I know you like what you are seeing, but I need you to come back and wake up”. His hand flinched around my hand quickly, which gave me hope that a miracle was about to happen. But later that day, his look became more peaceful. I knew that even though I came to Omaha for a miracle, I would be attending my big brother’s funeral.

It was a difficult time for my Mom; she would be the person to make the final decision about her child’s life. A decision we all backed her on. The last voice message my big brother left me he said every morning he wakes up is a blessing. Wednesday was the last morning Runge would wake up. In his medically induced coma, he laid peacefully in his hospital bed like he was getting the best sleep he had ever had. As the doctors told my Mom the different things that they could do to prolong his life, I asked her to please do not allow them to do that to him. So she agreed that on Saturday she would allow them to remove him from life support. And she made another very difficult decision to DNR, Do Not Resuscitate. My Mom aged at that moment.

My sister Phyllis was on vacation and had originally said she wasn’t coming back to see her brother in the hospital hooked up to machines. Well Runge sent a humming bird to her. This humming kept landing on her shoulder every time she went outside. She said each time it appeared out of nowhere and would land her shoulder. Finally, she changed her flight and came back to Omaha Friday evening. She spent the night with Runge as his protector from the medical staff. He was her big brother too. She said her only mission for coming back early was to get her brother removed from life support because that is not how he would want to live his life.

My sister Crystal knew from her medical experience what was about to happen, so she had already started calling around to get information for Runge’s funeral service. Side note, just because you are the top black owned mortuary in Omaha, NE doesn’t mean you have the right to be rude to people. On Saturday, Crystal explained to my Mom what each machine was doing and what each medicine was doing, prolonging the life of her child that was already gone. Runge was on 100% oxygen. So Moma said okay disconnect my son but not in front of me, I don’t want to see my child die. Phyllis spoke up and said she would stay the entire time and she did.

My sister Cynthia went into another world, she was losing her baby brother and she felt the out of towners, me and Crystal, were making all the decisions. We were just following our Mother’s direction. My nephew Marcus may have matured some while watching his uncle slowly slip away from us. Marcus it was like he was glued to my Mother’s side. When she had one of her anxiety attacks, he laid at her feet until she calmed down. She slept in the chair, he slept on the floor by her feet. His Granny was hurting and he was trying to comfort her. His mother was in pain and he was trying to comfort her also.

We all were hurting, we all lost a good man. Runge was a good man with a bad heart that was a good heart. He showed love and kindness to everyone. The evidence showed by the people that called or came by the house. His death shocked all his friends, they all kept saying I just talked to him or just show him. Runge did several acts of random kindness in the weeks prior to his death. He gave away money or bought stuff for random people for no particular reason. His last message to me was that he wanted to send my daughters something and needed their addresses. He never got a chance to what he wanted to do. It did our hearts good to know so many people cared for our brother.

We found lots of laughter during our time of grief. We couldn’t find anyone to say anything bad about Runge, so I did. He’s the reason I don’t like people touching my food or plate or standing over me while I eat. When we were young kids, he used to take my food because I ate too slow. If he wanted my cereal, he would stick his spoon in my bowl, which would upset me, cause me to stop eating, and he would take my cereal and finish it. Crystal doesn’t like wrestling because he used to practice the different moves on her. He cut up one of my sister Marilyn’s shirts because he thought it was too ugly for her to wear. He always ate up all the leftovers, which left us left out. But if we ever needed him, he was there.

He was the one that cleaned out my Dad’s house after his death. As painful as it was for him, he carried out my Dad’s request to sell everything his children didn’t want. When I was leaving my nightmare marriage, he offered to put a whooping on that nightmare husband. One of my ex-boyfriends told me that Runge had kind of threaten him about how he was treating me. When I moved to Dallas, he loaded up the moving truck. When I had my foot surgery, he was willing to come take care of me or send my sister Cynthia to take care of me. Runge was just a kind hearted person. All his friends said he was always so mellow and kind, never about any mess or confusion.

We had Runge’s funeral Thursday, September 9. We planned for a small service, his friends and our friends packed the chapel. We picked 4 songs that described Runge, Never Would Have Made It, He Saw the Best in Me, Spirit In the Sky, and Oh Happy Day. Runge never would have made it into Heaven if he didn’t have his own personal relationship with God. Like he told me one day, his relationship with God may not be like mine, but he has one. Runge saw the best in his sisters and everyone else. He didn’t judge or condemn people. His spirit is in the sky now, free from all the medicine and pain from life. It was a happy day in Heaven when he entered in.

Runge requested to be cremated. I was selected to sprinkle his ashes in Mississippi because all this year his goal was to go to Mississippi and check on our Dad’s grave. He’s finally going to get there, it may not be how he wanted, but he will be there permanently. I thought I would feel strange with his ashes but I don’t, he was my brother. I’m not sure how I’ll feel after I open the box and see his ashes. I know I will shed a lot of tears because my big brother peeked into Heaven, liked what he saw and decided to stay.

My Big Brother

Today has not been a day I want to remember. For the last couple of nights, I have not been able to sleep well. It wasn’t that kind of “God is trying to tell you something”; it was something is about to happen but what. Well the but what happened, my big brother and only brother collapsed at a local gas station in Omaha. Two unknown women found him and notified emergency services. One of the ladies, bless her heart, drove my Mom’s car to her.


Now it’s a waiting game, my big brother, Runge (it’s German), is laying in ICU unconscious. I know he’s peeking into Heaven and deciding if he wants to return to us. The selfish me wants him to return to us, but the spiritual me is saying big brother have fun with our Heavenly Father. And if you can see Daddy give him a huge hug and kiss for me.

My big brother is the third child out of six. He’s blessed to have five sisters, so you can imagine what his life has been like. He’s the person responsible for turning me into a tomboy. He figured since his parents didn’t give him a brother, he would make one. I enjoyed my status as his little tomboy sister. I even used to run around outside with my shirt off to be like him. My big brother is responsible for my love for football. When we played kill the man football, that’s where the kid that got the ball had to make it to the field goal before getting tackled. If tackled, everyone on the opposing team was allowed to pile up on that kid. The first couple of times I got tackled, my big brother wouldn’t let me cry. He would threaten me by saying I couldn’t play with him anymore because he don’t play with girls. Little did he know he was preparing me for real life.

I’ve been crying all day since I received the news from my mother. My heart aches for her because he has been taking care of her since her illness in December 2008. He may not do a perfect job of it, but he is there for her. I can hear and feel her pain. Runge is her only son, her true baby.

My big brother spent seven years of his life in the army. He left us in Omaha at age 17 full of life. He return to us at age 24 someone total opposite. I don’t know what happened to him, I just know he came back a different person. Did I love him even less? Not one bit, he’s my big brother.

He called me Monday while I was in class. He left me his usual message, I love you sis. I still have it saved as my reminder to call him back. I remember a couple of weeks ago he called to tell me off but got my voicemail, so he left the message on there. I didn’t have a clue what he was talking about. Later when we spoke, he apologized. I told him cool but I don’t know what I did. He explained, we talked about it, but I still hadn’t did anything. Guess he was making up for the times I did or will do something wrong.

My big brother has no known children. He thought about marriage once that I know of but the chick broke his heart. I still remember him calling our mom in the middle of the night crying. From that point on, he didn’t allow another woman to hurt him. He had several lady friends, but he always kept them at a distance.

I really need my big brother to stop peeking into Heaven because I know he is going to really like it there. I know I’m being selfish, but it’s strictly out of love.

I had to tell my girls what is going on with their uncle. Gee cried, NeNe didn’t. But NeNe did offer to transfer schools to Nebraska so she could take care of her Granny and uncle. That made my heart melt. I really need my big brother to stop peeking into Heaven and wake up.

My big brother has no earthly possessions. He fits the saying “don’t have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out”, but he is so happy. He has no possessions because he doesn’t want them. I think he could teach some Christians a thing or two about being content. Wait he has one possession, a cell phone and he only has that for our mother’s sake.

If by chance my big brother decides he wants to stay in the presence of the Lord, I will be okay. I didn’t miss an opportunity to let him know how I felt about him and he never had to guess. He had that relationship with all of his sisters, nephews, and nieces. We knew where we stood with him. We all got I love you after the end of all our conversations. Whenever it was time for us to return to Texas from our visits, he would always say I love you sis and nieces.

I really, really truly duly need my big brother to stop peeking into Heaven.

Missing My Baby

Today I missed my NeNe. Not that I want her to come home, but because the mother instinct in me knows something is wrong. I was right, she's homesick missing the time she spends with her sister. My girls have a very tight bond, the kind of bond I wish I had with my sisters. NeNe being away at college will be the longest amount of time my girls have had apart. They are glued at the hip. I'm glad I was able to instilled the value of teaching them to love one another. They have had their differences during NeNe's senior year, but they overcame them. Mainly because I wouldn't allow them to stay angry with one another. I threaten to cut them both off.

Today NeNe needed her big sister, I could hear it in her voice. I'm not sure what was going on, but I knew to strongly suggest NeNe call her big sister. Gee stop everything because she could hear it in her voice, her baby sister is homesick.

So although I'm enjoying my emptynest, my heart is troubled for my baby. So God I need You to send her some comfort as You promised to provide. Thank You Lord for not delaying.

It Feels Great..

Today several people asked me how it felt being alone in my home. I said great. One of my childhood friends said she would give me two weeks before it really hits me. I doubt it. Especially how Ms. NeNe acted over the phone this morning. She may be out of the house, but I still put the butter on her bread. Some were surprised that I didn't cry when I left her on campus. Heck it surprised me too. Then again it shouldn't, I was raised in a 3 bedroom house with one bathroom, 3 sisters, 1 brother, and my Mom. My oldest sister would visit on occasions (she was lucky, she got to live with Grandma and Grandpa), so that would increase the number. On any given occasion someone or somebodies were arguing or fighting. I don't have those issues anymore.

Now my granddaughter Skye is trying her best to move in with me. She decided to play Ali today at school. The teacher wanted to spank her, but instead she asked for someone to come get her from school. Good thing I rode the express bus to work. Skye will not be living with me, her parents will have to solve this issue. I love her dearly, but I'm not that type of grandmother. I will not be replacing bodies in this house. I've even decided not to get a roommate, I'll just find a second job to pay for my fun activities. At this point I don't even want male company over, I'm truly enjoying my space.

So anyone thinking I will not adjust well, WRONG!!! I'm adjusting, matter of fact, I started adjusting in 2007. I started working on my agenda I have for myself.  I wanted to start blogging, I'm doing it now. I wanted to change my eating habits, I'm slowly adjusting. I was too tired to go to the rec center today or workout to my DVDs, but I'll handle up on it tomorrow. I'm working on my bedtime schedule, if it's not done by 9:30 pm, central time, it won't get done. I might have to delay school until next semester due to some unforeseen circumstances, but I'm still trying to start by next week. I didn't do well on the cussing because of NeNe, she didn't handle business as she promised. Although I think she realized today, Moma can't drop everything and run up to the school anymore.

James, NeNe's dad, complimented me today (something he has been doing a lot lately) on how well I have always handled business for her, but now it's time to back off. He's right, but he must also remember I've been doing this for all of her life, he hasn't. I do have to say in his defense, what he has done in the last couple of weeks has left my mouth wide open. He stepped up to the plate to be a better father and man to his daughter. He's showing her that a real man that loves you, will take action and provide for your needs. He won't just talk about, he will be about it. Hmmm, bet I have surprised some of friends, I'm saying something nice about James instead of what I was calling him around prom time and graduation. Anyway, he's planting a positive seed in NeNe. I'm glad I taught my daughters to love their dads unconditionally. They can get mad at them, but they will respect and honor them for their position.

Okay, I'm tired, the 8 states trip in 5 days is getting to me, I can't hang like I use to.

My First Day Alone at Home

August 17, 2010

Today was my first complete day at home by myself. Last Thursday, I drove my baby, NeNe to college in Virginia. 2769.5 miles, 8 states, and 5 days on the road, just so I could experience having my home to myself. When I reach the Texas border last night, my older daughter Gee called to let me know she and her girls were at my home waiting on me. I thought, for what, go home. Well they went home because Gee didn't want to wait the 3 hours for me to arrival. YAY!!

I've been planning and anticipating my emptynest since August 2007. I really can't remember what I was doing, but I read something and this warm, peaceful feeling came over me. You see, I've been a single parent for 25 years. The one year I was married to the "Nightmare" doesn't count. We married in January, he started acting crazy in May, his spawn of satan daughter came in June, we, my girls and I, moved out in August. See I told you it didn't count. Anyway back to me. I have lived with someone all of my life, 47-3/4 years. I have been a daughter, sister, aunt, live-in girlfriend, and mother.

Now that NeNe is gone off to college I will be able to find my deodorant, with the lid intact, my lotions, perfumes, earrings, hair combs and brushes (by the way, while we were unpacking her items, she swiped my latest hair brush), I will know when I'm down to the last bar of soap, I will not get a surprise when I walk into the pantry and there isn't any toilet paper (UUGGGHHH), I won't hear giggling throughout the night, no more surprise slumber parties, there will be shampoo, there will be shampoo (had to say it twice), etc. I could list things for days.

A lot of people think I will be very lonely with my daughters and/or granddaughters living with me, but not true. I have enjoyed every single moment of motherhood, the good, the bad, and those moments when I knew for sure my girls were not going to make it to their 18th birthdays. I thank God for allowing me to love myself enough to want to be around myself, by myself.

I have to admit that I became very emotional at work last Wednesday because I was overwhelmed by the idea of being blessed to send my child off to college. I was sitting at my desk crying. During that time not one person walked by my desk, so I was able to enjoy my emotional high. I texted NeNe and Gee that I was crying. NeNe replied "Oh, don't cry, it'll be alright...but right now I need you to help me with my clothes because I can't get them in the suitcases." Gee replied, "Well I was just getting ready to ask you to say a prayer for my job interview." My girls, oops, young ladies, nope my girls.

So why did I decide to start a blog? I'm not sure. But here I am sitting and writing. I'm not sure how often I'll post something, I just know it will cover my emptynest. And for those of you that keep saying it would be funny if I get pregnant, that stuff isn't funny. Besides, I decided to abstaining from sex until marriage. I'm wife material not girlfriend or sideline material. I'm done giving away free samples.