My Soul Is At Peace

I am so at peace with my life. I'm thankful that I obtained this peace before all the blessings started flowing in. I'm being really selfish with myself because this is such an awesome feeling. It kind of compares to the moment I was allowed to peek in Heaven, but not as wonderful. But the funny thing, because I have stopped talking to so many people, some think I'm mad at them for some reason. So my question is, what have you done to make you think I'm mad at you? I've been enjoying my alone time with God so much, I keep running late for work.

My Midnight Vent

For 25 days in July, I was terrified I may have ovarian cancer. Even though I paraded around with a huge smile on my face, the inner me was terrified. So I reached out to people. For everyone that responded and covered me with prayer, I will always be eternally grateful to them, especially my sisters, my daughters, my nieces and nephews.

But there's this one chick that I called and left an urgent message with her and sent her a text message that said "please call me it's very important". She never responded.

Last Monday was my birthday, and she decided to call me and I decided not to take the call. She called both phones and I didn't answered neither of them. Tonight she called both phones again. And again, I didn't answer. While checking my home phone voicemail, she left a message saying she really needed to talk to an old friend and vent. The first thought in my head was, what the hell.

This is the same woman that mocked me when I went through my divorce, didn't offer a pinch of comfort. This is the same woman that called me a couple of days after I buried my father to tell me how good her life is going. She did stop for a couple of seconds when I asked her if she realized I just buried my father and didn't want to hear about her good life, then she proceeded to keep talking.

I have been this woman's shoulder for so many things, including her drug abuse, each time. And various other things. But this time, I won't be turning the other cheek. She can call my phone until the cows grow wings and start flying, this shoulder is no longer available. And since I no longer have hormones, and at the request of my daughters, I agreed to watch my mouth filter, I might not want to answer the phone.

But maybe I should so I can tell her how I feel. I can't promise I might not cuss her out. Better yet, I'll remain silent and keep ignoring the phone calls. After all that's what she does best.

My Tears

As I lay here crying and hurt, I thank You God for giving me the strength to move on. My time was not wasted, it was a good experience for me. I have no regrets. I'm glad I took the chance and will never have to worry about the what if, because now I know. We met for a reason and we had our season. I'm glad I followed the advice of a friend from long ago, date him for all four seasons to get full view of him. What he thought was a life time option is an opportunity lost. When I told him he was going to miss me when I'm gone, he thought it was a joke. No joking matter when you don't cherish what God has allowed you to have. Would I change any of my actions....no, because I did what I felt and wanted to do. In the end, I realize I have a good heart. Bitterness can't occupy it. Death of a parent and sibling has taught me I can survive anything because nothing on earth can hurt as much as losing true love ones. This temporary hurt I feel today, won't last long. It's not what I expected for my birthday present but it's what I got.

My Peek Into Heaven

Today, September 21, 2014, I walked, because of medical reasons I couldn't run, my 8th half marathon of 2014, in my 3rd state and my 20th half of my life time. My goal was to finish under 4 hours. If I finished within 3 hours, that would have been wonderful. My handicap for this event, 8 weeks post hysterectomy surgery and an eye infection in the right eye.

I started walking with these two older women so I could keep a descent pace. The Maui Marathon started at 5 am because of the Hawaiian heat and humidity. It was a little scary walking in the darkness along the highway.

I didn't start having any issues until mile 10 when my feet started hurting. By mile 12, my back and legs were hurting really bad. I crossed the finish line under 4 hours. I walked around to find my running buddies and to replenish my fluids. Once we found each other, we congratulated each other on finishing vertically.

I felt fine as we headed to the restroom, just really tired. After our restroom break, I started feeling dizzy. So we sat down and discussed getting some food and liquids in me. The dizziness got worse. I remember telling my friends I was about to pass out. When I looked at them, they looked fuzzy and my ears were ringing. I looked at this couple and the woman said I didn't look good. I heard Brenda say stay with me and open your eyes. I heard Cheryl say I'm calling 911. I remember being laid on the ground as everything went white. I felt my bowels about to move on their own, I said God please don't let this be my exit. My thoughts went to my mother and daughters. Gee and NeNe would be upset. Then I was in a very white, peaceful and quiet atmosphere. I was really enjoying being here,  then I heard Brenda say look at me and I heard another woman say talk to me and I heard another woman say her pulse is faint. I also saw a white, fluffy, pulsating cloud raise up off of me. As the cloud rose up, it slowly opened up with four squares in the middle of it, like a window pane. The cloud kept pulsating and rising further into the sky until it disappeared. After the cloud disappeared, I was aware of what was actually going on, I completely passed out. Even though I was drinking a lot of fluids, it still wasn't enough for the Maui humidity.

After what I experienced today, I understand why people that get to peek into heaven and stay if given the choice. I wasn't given a choice, I was sent back. But I do think if given the choice I would have stayed. The feeling was indescribably peaceful.

Labor Day Weekend 2014

Since 2005, I have not like Labor Day weekend. I used to cringe at the thought of this weekend. Labor Day weekend 2004 was the last weekend I sent with my Daddy. Two weeks later he died. It was a moment in my life of mixed emotions. I was thankful for his death because he was suffering from cancer throughout his entire body. I was extremely hurt because the life I had known for almost 40 years was about to change.

Then Labor Day weekend 2010, big brother and only brother passed away unexpectedly from cardiac arrest. One day I was getting a message from him, the next I received a call from my mother that he had been rushed to the hospital. Later that day he was on life support. My younger sister helped my mother make the discussion to remove the ventilator. She explained to us how the machine worked, which helped us to realize he was no longer with us. I'm thankful for her medical knowledge.

Labor Day weekend 2013, one of my older sisters was rushed to the hospital because she was having chest pains. I said to myself oh God not again. As I stood over my sister she said oh God I must really be sick if you're standing here. And she was. She was diagnosed with emphysema. At that moment, I hated Labor Day weekend.

Then my favorite older daughter decided to get married Labor Day weekend 2014. I was so busy focusing on this joyous occasion that I forgot the pain this weekend always brought me. But now and now every year forward, I will have something to celebrate. Once again, my daughter has brought unknown joy to my heart.

Post Surgery

I'm into my third week post recovery, it hasn't been easy. Others that have had the same surgery, say they didn't experience as many discomforts I'm experiencing. But while watching church on TV this morning, the Holy Spirit spoke to me. Don't rush recovery, enjoy this time alone with me. After this message, I heard the doctor's words again....your cut is longer than planned because your uterus was much larger than expected, therfore your recovery will take longer.

So as I lay and sit around my house, some good days and some painful days, I thank God for covering me. I was diagnosed with two forms of endometriosis, one was causing me to bleed into the lining of my uterus. My doctor and his assistant surgeon were both amazed that I never felt ill and/or in pain on a daily basis. That's why I say God covered me.

This time to think has also given me time to think about the new life I have been given. Some things about me will stay the same, but some things need to change.

My Last Mensual Cycle

My last mensual cycle of my life started Wednesday, July 23, 2014. And since I'm only able to take Tylenol because of my pending surgery, I have been sick, really sick. Cramping and nauseated.

I was able to make it home from work before the serious cramping started. By 11:30 pm, I was gripping the toilet bowl pucking. I was pucking so bad, my throat started bleeding.

The next day, I tried to make it to work on time but the constant vomiting delayed me for 2 hours. When I made it to work, some of my coworkers noticed my pale face and jumped into assistance mode. I lasted at work 2-1/2 hours.

I tried to eat something else besides crackers, but that didn't work. Now after 9 pm, the cramps are starting to ease up and the vomiting and nasuea have stopped. I think I can drink something else besides Ginger Ale but I won't try to eat anything until tomorrow.

I have been going through this for 12 years and on July 28th, it will come to an end. I will not miss it. So even though I'm nervous about the surgery, I'm thankful I won't ever again be experiencing this part of womanhood.

Good-bye monthly cycle. Life with you has been both a pleasure and a pain.

Pre-Op Day

Today was my pre-op day. I thought all I had to do was give a blood sample, urine sample and take an EKG. Simple enough, huh? Well, things did start off simple, until I arrived at the hospital. The fire alarm went off as soon as I walked into the building.  The funny thing, no one evacuated the building except me. So I re-entered, asked the security guard if it was a real alarm or just a drill. He didn't know. Okay, I proceed to the Admissions desk.

The admission process was easy, took only 15 minutes. Next stop, pre-admission testing, which took two and half hours. So glad I wore a strapless sundress, easy to undress. Here, I had to get a chest X-ray and talk to the surgical nurse. She said she had just had a hysterectomy three weeks ago, but by the use of the robot.

She began asking the standard medical questions. Then she explained in detail the procedure. But it was when I had to sign off on the possible complications, and saw the lab results, tears welled up in my eyes. I told myself to stop. So what it said abnormal results.

After my hospital visit, I headed to the surgeon's office for more testing. After paying my coinsurance bill, giving three tubes of blood and an EKG, I walked out into the parking lot and started crying.

I was crying more about the unknown, then the actual surgery. Everyone woman I know that's has had a hysterectomy has said it's the best thing they could have done. I pray and hope I feel the same way and there's no cancer.

Saturday I start the pre-surgery procedures. Let's just say, I'll be hanging very close to my house. I'm going to lose some serious weight. Anything over 5 lbs is serious for me.

Things I Will Be Able To Do Again

I wasn't too happy about getting a hysterectomy, until I started thinking about all the things I will be able to do again. Since those fibroids started invading my body, I was having difficulties doing simple things. One of the first things I realized, I would be able to bend over without being in pain or becoming nauseated.

I won't have to spread my legs apart to bend over and tie my shoes or put them on.

I will be able to give myself a really good pedicure.

I can wear waist fitting clothing again without being in pain, especially my jeans.

I will be able to comfortably sit in a chair.

I will be able to sleep on my stomach again.

I won't have severe mensual cramps anymore.

Though I only had heavy bleeding one day, I won't be confined to the house on that day.

I won't have to share my feminine equipment with my daughters anymore.

Since I won't need to buy feminine protection products anymore, more money going into my entertainment budget.

I get to skip the front part of the women's aisle in the store.

I'll have more space in my bathroom cabinet.

No more carrying my "just in case" pouch, which will give me more room in my purse.

No more vomiting for 24 hours when my cycle starts.

No more popping Aleve like it's candy to get rid of the cramps.

No more pain while I'm having sex. And I will be able to have sex all 52 weeks of the year.

Stupid Stuff People Say When They Hear Cancer

I know there isn't a cure but...

I know someone that went through the same thing and it didn't turnout to well for them....

Don't give up on life....

Why do you think God did this to you....

What sins are you committing.....

This is a private matter, why are you sharing....

Do you feel less than a woman....

Are you scared....

If I were you I wouldn't let them cut on me....

Do you have your life in order with God.... 

I know someone who they said had cancer but when the doctor cut her open, nothing was there, now she has a big ugly scar...

Too many people want to tell you a horror story, not enough people want to tell you a positive story....

I Met the Gynecological Oncologist Today

Today, July 10, I met the Gynecological Oncologist. Yes, I was nervous. I had a difficult time falling to sleep the night before because I didn't know what to expect. Will he tell me my biopsy came back positive for cancer or not. Will I really need a hysterectomy or not. If it is cancer, did we catch it time. If it's nothing, hallelujah, praise the Lord.

When I woke up this morning, I layed in the bed for an hour as the butterflies danced in my stomach. As I headed to my appointment, I called my Warrior King. I could tell he was upset because he wasn't able to make it in town. So we did the next best thing, he attended via the phone.

I walked into the office and there sat this bald black woman. Tears welled up in my eyes. She had a beautiful smile and cute earrings. My hands started shaking as I filled out the paperwork. I had to fight back my tears. I was determined not to cry.

As I was led to the doctor's office, I passed by a room where some of the patients were receiving chemo. I had to fight the tears again. Would I be one of those patients?

Dr. Munoz walked in the office and said hi Linda. If you know anything about me, you know I don't like being called by the incorrect name. Something from a childhood stay in the hospital. I quickly corrected him. Asked if he mind if Louis listened in via speaker phone. He said not a problem.

Dr. Munoz explained what was going on with those fibroids and he gave his professional opinion, I doubt if it's cancer. But to be on the safe side, your age being a factor and your family history, you will need a hysterectomy. The biospy came back beign, thanks God.

He asked if I had any questions, I said no. I already researched you, my daughter in college has probably researched you because she researches everything and my oldest sister researched the robotic method. He said impressive, that's what you're suppose to do. He said I was in good physical health and because I am a runner, I would have no problems recovering. That's what I needed to hear.

The only bad thing, since the largest fibroid covers my entire abdomen area, I will not be able to have the bikini incision. So it looks like I will be getting my first tattoo to make a design out of the incision. I plan on wearing my bikinis in Maui regardless.

I walked out that office as happy as can be. Thanking God for sending the right people to pray for me and encourage me. My younger sister had sent me a text that said I'm there holding your hand virtually. I needed that text. Now to wait for my surgery. And today is the best day of my life.

The Best Day of My Life

I started posting about today being the best day of my life after my doctor had me take a blood test for cancer. I wanted to make sure that if today was going to be my last day alive, it would be my best day. So every day and every day forward, rainy and stormy or pleasant and sunshiny days, it will be my best day.

I got a diagnosis of ovarian cancer or the possibility that I will be developing it soon. Not what I wanted to hear, but my reality. And the ironic thing about this, several months prior to getting the ultrasound that set things in motion, I wrote a nonpublished piece called "When You Wake Up I Will Be Gone". I wrote it after I read an article about a fellow runner that was hit by a car while running her normal route. After her death and funeral, her best friend wrote an article about what she thought her friend might have said. So I wrote one of what I wanted my family and friends to know about how felt about my life. Morbid, but true to life now.

Hopefully, we have caught it soon, but if not, I will be in the fight for my life. I have a great support system, my sisters, my daughters, my best friend, my guy, my running buddies, other family members, my real friends and several of my coworker/friends. Like my sister said we may not being claiming it and will pray against it, but it just may be and we cannot be in denial.

Please don't be offend if I don’t answer my phone or return text messages right away. Right now I need to focus on what's important to me and to truly be selfish with my life. I have so much to live for and accomplish. I still have 48 states that I need to run a half marathon in. I have two beautiful daughters, one that is about to get married and the other is about to graduate from college. Then there's the grands, we are having too much fun together. Plus, some guy hasn't been fortunate enough to find favor from God through me.

And those people that have been ignoring my phone calls, emails and text messages, please don't start responding now. It is what it is. I have to focus on the people I mean something too, not the fair weather people. God has really matured me in this area. I mean when you hear cancer you immediately think damn I'm dying, I'm not invincible. Then you snap out of it, and look forward to the meaningful people and things in life. Well, I'm speaking for myself.

One of my coworker/friends told me that I need to open up more and allow people to know when I'm not at my best. Stop being the strong rock and allow the people that love you and care about you to be your rock.

Oh, and I have a warrior in my corner. He might not be there and present physically every day, but when he shows up in town or calls me, I can feel the protection.

Yes, I wake up every morning now with tears in my eyes and ask why, then I read my devotional, Bible verse, thank God and start my day. I go to bed with tears in my eyes and say this is really happening and thank God and go to sleep. Sometimes I cry throughout the day. I may cry through this entire journey or I may not, but right now I am.

This is not the journey I wanted at age 51-1/2, but it is. So me being me will make the best of it, which means for now on, today will be my best day.

I Have 99 Problems and Cancer WILL NOT Be One of Them

HiThis post is not for anyone to feel sorry for me, this is just what is on my mine and what I'm currently going through.

I had my normal yearly rape session, pap smear and pelvic exam, last year in October (2013). After the exam my doctor said she didn't like the way things felt. So she requested an ultrasound to check on those fibroids.  Me being who I am, didn't put too much into it because fibroids have been invading my body since I was about 38. I delayed getting the ultrasound until April 2014. In the mean time I noticed that my abdomen was increasing and the area was getting harder. I jokingly blame it on my guy for making me too happy.

After the ultrasound, my doctor called me in for a consultation. The ultrasound tech was unable to locate one of my ovaries, the other ovary she couldn't tell if it was the ovary or a fibroid, my uterus was enlarged, the largest fibroid had shrunk to 4.9 cm, but an additional one had grown. In her medical opinion, she suggested I get a hysterectomy to remove my uterus because an enlarge uterus is a sign of uterine cancer. So I asked if there is a test we could do to be more positive because I preferred not to have any surgery. She gave me a look and scheduled me for a CA125 blood test. After the blood test I start my campaign of "today is the best day of my life".

Again, I didn't make a big deal about getting the blood test, but I eventually did. The results would be ready in 3 days. In the meantime, one of my sisters became really worried about me, to the point she started stressing me. On day 3, I called for the results, my doctor wanted to do a biopsy right away. I became a little concerned because my doctor isn't into doing a lot of unnecessary testing. I delayed the biopsy because I didn't want anything to interfere with our Grandparents Weekend with the Grands.

July 3, I arrived for the biopsy. Instead of her usual how's everything, she went right to it. The blood test came back worst than expected. It shouldn't have been over 21, yours was 481, way too high for your age. Which means you need to have a hysterectomy as soon as possible, but you need your ovaries and uterus removed. I just looked at her and said I don't want to have any surgery. She kind of raised her voice and said why not. Then she went into my family history of breast and ovarian cancer and said everything is pointing to you having cancer or you are developing cancer. I just looked at her. We went back and forth some more.

Finally, she proceeded with the biospy. Talk about pain. The first time she went in, she pulled out what she thought was fibroid tissue, so she had to repeat it. It felt like I was being bit and my skin was being ripped off. Two chunks of tissue and I was in pain. Then she stood up and said you need a wake up call, walked out the room and came back and handed me a business card. She said, you need to call this doctor and get in immediately, you no longer have time to watch and wait, this is about your life and walked away. Didn't say goodbye, see you later, kiss my butt. Then the nurse came in and asked me to please consider taking the Brach gene test, I said no and walked out.

While sitting in the waiting room I got my wake up call. I looked at the business card and it said Oncologist. My body maybe or has already been invaded with cancer. The tears began to flow. I called my best friend and told her what happened and asked her to find out what does the 481 really mean. I could tell from her voice it wasn't good. She said Nora get an appointment today if you can. Something I didn't want to hear. I made it to my car before I completely broke down crying. All I could think about is I didn't want to do anything to disrupt my daughter's wedding plans. I texted my guy to let him know, he was going to be hurt.

I was crying so hard the parking attendant paid my parking fee. I called my younger sister because I knew she would say something to make me laugh and she did. She said, why do you want to hold onto body parts that are trying to kill you, you don't need them anymore. I started making up excuses then she said you're acting like your daddy. That hurt but she was right. When he was diagnosed with prostate cancer, he initially refused treatment. When he did decide on treatment, cancer had spread throughout his entire body. I didn't want to put my daughters through that. More tears.

I had to pull myself together before I called my daughters. They are not going to take this too well. I was right, Gee started crying. NeNe on the other hand surprised me and went into protection mode. She told her big sister to stop crying because nothing is definite yet. Then she said you taught me God has the final say on everything, unless you were lying. She was right. Prior to this day, I talked to the Lord and told Him, I don't have a good feeling about this. He said don't focus on it, just know you don't have to give up running.

I can't talk to my guy right now, I don't know what to say. Yes, I know it's not fair to him. He's just doing what he does best, being my warrior king.

July 4, I forced myself out of bed and went running with my Sole Sisters. As I was running, I asked God for His help to give me the strength and the ability to fight for my life. No I don't want surgery, but I don't want to die before I reach 90 years of age. Yes, I'm heart broken that this is my journey at this moment. Also, I believe that sometimes we as God's creations are used to gain others' attention. So if God is using me to get your attention, please open your eyes to Him and pay attention.

When You Wake Up I Will Be Gone

When you wake today, I will be gone. My Father sent for me while you were asleep. You will wake up in what you think is a dream but it's reality.

You see God gave me an opportunity to look into heaven and I really, really loved the view. Nothing on earth compares to it. I'm sorry I chose to leave you but I left you with some great memories and some beautiful descendants.

Remember everything about me the most, even the bad, mean and ugly things about me. I loved life to the fullest. I learned that from my big brother.

My descendants are a replica of me. They are a visible me for you to see. Please love them as much as I do. They have been and they are the greatest part of me. They are in so much pain right now so please be gentle, kind and patient with them. To them, they have lost their life line. God's Angels we be surrounding them so please don't be offended if one of them blocks you from them. I requested their presence and protection over them from the moment they were born. Did I ever tell you how much I truly, truly, loved and enjoyed being their mom.

My grandchildren, so glad you were born. Don't feel cheated because I'm gone. We had some great Granny/Grands moments. We have a book about us. Now your mom is really hurting right now so be patient with her. Take the time to have one on one or group late night conversations. We did which caused an unbreakable bond between us. Create memories like we did. I always said I'm not that type of grandmother but deep down I truly was. I didn't want to steal the motherhood enjoy from your mom.

That guy I love who was smart enough to make me his wife, he doesn't know he captured my heart the very first time we met. He has been to me more than just a husband. He is my soul mate which means he is really hurting today. But encourage him after he is done grieving, go out and find himself another woman to enjoy his beautiful heart. She can't replace me (because I'm me) but she can have the rest of the love I was unable to use up. I tried to use up his love but he had way too much to give. Please make sure he keeps those feet together, I worked to hard to keep them soft for me.

My sisters, I truly love you. You have been my first best friends. You gave me life lessons. You got on my nerves sometimes just like I got on yours a lot of the times. Our trips and moments alone together allowed me to truly appreciate the sister I have in you. I wasn't good at saying I Love You, I hope my actions revealed it, at least the positive actions. Thanks for being the best aunts in the world to my daughters.

My sons, you were a gift to me from another mother. Thank you for seeing the value in my daughters and making them you wives. You found favor when you selected them. Right now and months and years to come, they are going to really need your strength to get them through losing me. They will adjust but they won't forget. So if one night or several nights they want to sit and talk, let them, just listen and share with them. We had many mother/daughter conversations into the wee hours of the morning. We talked about everything and some times nothing. So do me a favor and just be there always. Break the divorce curse.

To my closest friends, I don’t need to call you by name because you know who you are. You have been there for me throughout my life. Whenever God allowed our lives to cross, our friendship grew. We may have had some falling outs, but they were brief. Those take it to the grave secrets, well I took mine first. Yes, you're laughing. Oh if people only knew what is being cremated with me.

My running buddies, what can I say about you that we didn't already cover on the pavement? The same things again. Thanks for those life teachable moments. We shared so much with each other during our training, events, mimosas, meals and roadtrips. The most famous, San Antonio November 2013, my first and only spur of the moment marathon. The love you ladies showed me that day was so wonderful. We accomplished so much with each other.

The people who's path I crossed and you spent more time judging me or trying to find something wrong with me, your loss. I may have been a little on the crazy side but not enough to get a check, you should have embraced those moments. But take this as an opportunity to enjoy the next crazy person(s) that may remind you of me.

To the people who's last nerve I got on or I just couldn't bring myself to be nice or kind to you, I'm truly sorry. That's my loss for not trying to do better at getting to know you.

In the end, I embraced my life with so much enjoyment. I have been able to love life, especially my birthdays. I was able to knock some things off my bucket list, which was never ending on earth. I made mistakes which turned into lessons learned, thanks Zaneta. I was able to write my first book, thanks Ge'Von. When I look back over my life, yes that song is playing in my head, my life has been great for me. Thank you for allowing me to share it with you. I hope you will remember in those moments when you do something and know I would enjoy it. So when you stop crying about me leaving to go live with my Father, have a dance party. Matter of fact, you can start playing the dance music now. This the end of me on earth but the beginning of some great look back moments for you. Love you much.

P.S. I miss you.

The Mother of the Bride

My first born, my gift I asked God for is getting married. This is a joyous occasion for her and me. She has always had the desire to become a wife. Now she has been presented with the opportunity.

At first, I was totally against her choice for her husband. But then, a very good friend, a praying good friend interceded. She told me seek God to make him into the husband and man of God she deserves, so I did.

To be able to watch how these two gel together has truly been a blessing. I wanted a husband for both my daughters, men they could and would be able to depend on. One that when things get tough, he will not seek out another woman to fulfill whatever he feels is missing from their relationship. My child has that in this man.

I want a protector for my granddaughters. A man that will learn to love them as if they have his blood running through their veins. A man that will drop by their classroom to make sure things are going well at school. A man that when they call him daddy, he responds as a daddy would.

The planning process for my child's wedding is very time consuming. My sister purchased her wedding dress. The search for the perfect accessories have begun. My desire is for her to be the princess walking down the aisle to her king.

Sending out invitations has be hecked. Thinking we have sent invitations to everyone, only to realize we have missed several family members. Some invitations came back with invalid addresses. So I hope people will understand, we have put forth our best effort.

The bummer in this whole exciting time in our lives, my body is trying to get sick and prevent me from helping the way I had intended. But we will make it work by refocusing.

Our refocus now, people are not replying to the RSVP line. I realize this may seem antiquated in this age of social media, but necessary to ensure we have prepared the correct amount of food, order the correct amount of place settings, etc. People will be ticked if they are not allowed to attend the reception because they failed to call the RSVP line. Saying I think I will attend or sending a text message or RSVPing on Facebook, is not acceptable. So come 11:59 pm on July 31, the RSVP line will be shut off. If we have met the required number of guest... We will have a list of guest that missed the deadline,  who will be able to attend if we have some last minute cancelations.

This moment is all about my baby and her beau, that's what matters to me right now. Since February 16, 1985, she has been one of the most important people in my life. Until after the reception on August 30, 2014, it will be all about her. Everything else will have to take a backseat.

HLB Love Poem

I love you so much.

I love how your eyes staring at me see into me. The way your lips move when you talk to me.

I love the way your hands caress my body its like you have been waiting to touch me all of your life. Like my body is just for you.

I love the way you intertwine your legs with mine and rest your face on my neck, then pull me so close to you that air can't even squeeze through.

I love how you can feel something is wrong without me saying anything. You don't have to be in my presence but you can feel it.

I love the feel of your snoring on my back, neck or chest, it's like a rhythmic vibration that puts me into a deep sleep.

I love the way you call my name when my mind has drifted off to the unknown.

You call me your Queen of the Amazon, a role I enjoy fulfilling.

I love how we talk about any and everything. 

When you say stop it, my mind obeys but my lips don't.

I love how every time I try to end us, you fight for us and won't allow it.

You are my King and don't realize it.

I love the way you have patience with our grandchildren.

I love how you make me feel secure.

I love you for loving me.

I love you because when I got the cancer diagnosis you went to God on my behalf. Like you said God knows how hard you prayed for me. That's how a man loves a woman.

I now realize you are my warrior.

I love that you know just what to say when I have my breakdown moments.

I love you because even though you couldn't attend my doctor's appointment in person, you attended via the phone.

I love you because from the moment I was told I needed a hysterectomy and became scared, you covered me with words of encouragement and your strength.

I love you because you blocked my down days by making them into down moments.

I love you because you apologized for hurting me.

I love you because the silly, stupid stuff you text me can make me laugh so loud, others want know what I just read.

I love you because the wedge that now divides us is visible but yet invisible.

I love you because as much as I didn't like my after surgery body, you kept telling me how sexy I was to you.

Even though distance divides us, I will love you forever.

The Past Is Chasing Me

So the saying is that you can catch a man when you have a man. My past has been trying to become my present. Summer Fling called me unexpectedly one night. I hadn't heard his voice in such a long time that I didn't know who he was, which didn't sit too well with him. He wanted me to move Sweetness aside for him. Then Mr. Big left me a voice message calling me his fiancée. He wants to come visit me this summer, kind of like what he has been saying for the past 3-4 years. And let's not forget Stalker Steve, this dude just will not go away. I ignore every single attempt he makes to contact me, every single attempt.

Summer Fling continues to call and text me with these lame messages of how much he wants to work on a committed relationship. So much bull coming out of his mouth, I wonder if he can taste it. Mr. Big didn't like the idea of me focusing my attention on another man, but hey he never showed much interest. Plus the time I did visit him, he gave off such a negative vibe, it killed any interest I may have had in him.

As for the persistent Summer Fling, I've chosen to ignore him. It's also true, you don't miss what you had until someone else has her. Well Sweetness has my full attention. And if by chance Sweetness does lose my attention, I still will never give Summer Fling or Mr. Big any of my time.

Do I Open My Heart Again

Someday, someone will walk into your life and make you realize why it never worked out with anyone else. I saw this on a poster a couple of years ago, so I kept it. I'm one of those women that have not had much success in relationships. But I am also one of those women that believes in God's promise to provide all your needs. My soulmate is one of my needs.  Now if I could just stop being fooled by the wrong men. I can say this, each guy gets better than the next, so much better.

I have build this shield over and around my heart. To protect my heart is my goal. I'm currently seeing a guy now. He has potential but I need to see more. He has asked me to let down my wall but to date, he really hasn't given me a reason to fully open my heart to him. Sure he has a lot of qualities I like and could grow to love about him. But he also has some areas in his life he needs to clean up. I'm sure he can say the same about me, in fact he has.

I've given this relationship a time limit for things to develop in a slow, positive direction. Am I the woman that will make him want to change his ways, to eliminate his baggage? Is he the man that will cause me to tear down my wall, permanently? Time will tell but until then, we will get to know each other. If things keep going as they have, with areas of improvement on both our parts, we might just be each other's soulmate.

The Dinner...

This is what you did...you prepare this beautiful table, with candles and yellow roses. Hand fed me the finest chocolates and poured me a glass of wine to sip on. Played beautiful music in the background, while we chatted about everything from A to Z. Then for dinner, you placed a large covered plate in front of me. When you removed the cover, there on this beautiful plate, made of fine china was this big pile of dog shit!!! And you expected me to allow you to spoon feed me dog shit one teaspoon at a time.

The Dinner...

This is what you did...you prepare this beautiful table, with candles and yellow roses. Hand fed me the finest chocolates and poured me a glass of wine to sip on. Played beautiful music in the background, while we chatted about everything from A to Z. Then for dinner, you placed a large covered plate in front of me. When you removed the cover, there on this beautiful plate, made of fine china was this big pile of dog shit!!! And you expected me to allow you to spoon feed me dog shit one teaspoon at a time.

My Ultimate Fantasy

I was asked to describe my ultimate fantasy, sexual fantasy. But my fantasy isn’t that of a sexual nature. It is that of a faithful man, my own faithful man. One that loves me beyond limits, out of the box type of love. When we call each other friends, I want it to be in reference to “take it to the grave friends”. A man that will know me for me and still love me and I the same of him. We are willing to fight as a team for our relationship. If I want to give up, he will pull me through, if he wants to give up, I will pull him through. Neither one of us will never want nor allow another person to entered into our relationship. A man I can trust out of sight just like I do insight. A man that wants me to carry his last name, not that of my father’s. My king that God promised I would have one day. My knight in shining armor.

I Want It Back…

I lost it by accident and I want it back. It meant so much to me. I worked too hard to obtain it. How could I allow myself to lose it? I must find it again and soon. I need it so badly. I have devised a plan to get it back, please God allow it to work. I want my exercising and running mojo back, how dare I allow 26.2 miles cause me to lose it.