I'm happy that her battle with dementia, Alzheimer's, diabetes and a-fib are over. She was so ready to attend her Heavenly party. She even teased me about it. And from the look on her face, as her shell laid in the coffin, she is having a blast. I have to admit, a little jealousy crept in when I saw the laughter on her face.
As I navigate the first 365 days without my Mom, some moments are great, some not so great, some extremely difficult and unbearable. Today, March 5, 2023, was extremely difficult and unbearable. It was difficult for me because I can no longer celebrate another year of life with my Mom. So, I'm not really looking forward to March 6, her actually date of birth.
It's difficult to attend church, I fought back the tears. Seeing the elderly mothers entering, I remember how my Mom attended church until she could no longer drive herself to church. Right now, I only attend in person on the first Sunday, New Members Right Hand of Fellowship. I'm a member of the New Members Ministry.
I attempted to start a tradition of family bowling to honor my Mom's date of birth, it wasn't successful. I won't make that mistake next year. I left the bowling alley in tears, couldn't get out of the building fast enough. Thank goodness my friend/neighbor was woke, she provided triple shots of wine. Yes, that's a thing.
The pain and emptiness I feel, is so much more different than when I loss my Dad. I'm not sure why, but it's different. Could it be I was holding my Mom's hand as she entered into HIS presence? Could it be the sound of her struggling to breathe? Could it be the habits I developed in that one year? I'm not sure. I just know some days it is extremely unbearable.
I can still hear the sound of life exiting her body. I still see the tears rolling down her face. I remember the 3 different looks of death. My Mom's mouth was open when she died at 5:30 am, Saturday, July 30, 2022. Tuesday, August 2, my Mom looked as if she was saying "I finally get to sleep". The final look, as her frozen shell, laid in that coffin, it was a look of laughter. What caused the laughter? Maybe, the same thing that caused her to smile, as she told me about the big celebration her Mom, my Grandma, told her, they would have when she arrived. Those looks were between her and God.
My next first, a trip back to Omaha. It's going to be strange.
