Missing Him....

I woke up this morning in tears because I am really missing him. I had no idea I would miss him this much. Well, yes I did. I was doing okay until yesterday evening I tried to call him and he wouldn’t answer the phone. I kept saying I know you hear the phone ringing so just answer it. You know it’s me because caller id is flashing across the TV. Man dang it, just answer the phone. Then I realized that it’s not that he wouldn’t answer the phone, he couldn’t. I forgot for the moment, because of the exciting news I wanted to share, that he was gone. He’s resting in peace. The tears began to flow. I couldn’t stop them. I didn’t even realize I had stopped in the middle of the street.

This morning I awoke to the memories of his last day. I can still remember his heart beat as it faded away. I think I’m getting kind of extra emotional because my birthday is coming up. Since I’ve been in Dallas he has called me at 12:01 a.m. every year to wish me Happy Birthday. This year will be different. I’m trying to be excited, I even made plans to celebrate, but the heartache is still present. This is a different heartache from the one I felt in 2004. But it still hurts.

To handle this heartache, I’m not running from God like I did the last time, I’m running to Him. I’m not angry like before, just hurt. I’m still trying to adjust to him being gone as well as one of the Village Moms being gone. Our holidays will be different. This is the first year I will not be going to Omaha for Thanksgiving by choice. The other times either I didn’t have the vacation time or I couldn’t afford it. But this year I don’t want to go. I know I wouldn’t be able to handle it.

So I sit hear crying, missing him and also thanking God for blessing me to have been an important part of his life, one of his baby sisters.