One Year Later, It's Still Fresh In My Mind: The Passing of My Mother

July 30, 2022, at 5:30am CT, my mother took her last breath. I was holding her hand, while praying her into HIS presence. I don't remember the nurse's name that was there to document the time of death. What I do remember about that day, is the sound of my mother struggling to breathe. I probably would have slept through it, if it wasn't for Bentley. He started his watch over my mother Thursday. 

My mother told me and Ge'Von that she would be leaving after she saw her sisters. My mother was losing her ability to talk, so anytime she said something, meant something. Both my aunts arrived and left. Both knew it would be their last time seeing their sister on this side of Heaven. I stopped sleeping and only took brief naps. On Sunday, July 24th, my mother called me by my name, she usually called me Barbara. She said, "I want to thank you for doing a good job of taking care of me. Yall did a better job than I thought yall would. I'm getting ready to leave, but I just want to thank you". I asked her where she was going, she replied He's coming to take me home. I asked, who God, she said yes, with a huge smile on her face. I told her to enjoy her trip, I'll miss you, but I'm extremely happy for you. She stopped talking, and didn't talk anymore. 

The new hospice nurse, Rosalind, visited on Wednesday, July 27th, and gave me a book about death. I only wish I had received this book months ago. I would have been better prepared for the death experience. Thursday, July 28th, Rosalind visited again, and so did the podiatrist. My mother's legs and feet started dying first. The podiatrist thanked me for not putting my mother in a nursing home. During Rosalind's visit, she informed me death was imminent in 5 days. I notified my sisters. Friday, July 29th, the respiratory therapist visited. He said if anyone has something to say or wants to see your mom, they needed to do it today. 

When Rosalind got ready to leave, she stopped and told me to go to sleep. I told I couldn't because I didn't want to wake up and find my mother dead. Rosalind said go to sleep, what's happening now is between God and your mother. If they want you there, you'll get an invitation. 

My invitation came after 4something am. Bentley woke me up. I can still hear that breathing noise, it was horrible. I called the hospice center, the nurse gave me instructions and assured me she would be there within 15 minutes, she arrived sooner. I called Ge'Von, then all my sisters. They in turn called their children. Phyllis and Cynthia called each aunt. My aunts prayed and spoke their finally words. 

I can remember hearing Ge'Von on FaceTime with Zaneta, who was in Puerto Rico at the time. I remember Cynthia and Marilyn talking soothing words to our mother. When the tears started rolling from my mother eyes, I held her hand and prayed her into God's presence. The song, "There's A Leak In This Old Building", was playing in the background. When the song stopped, so did my mother's breathing. I'm not sure who hollered the loudest, me or Ge'Von or Zaneta. I couldn't console my daughters, but my friends that arrived could. I went outside and cried to the stars. 

My mother's pain and suffering was over. She was finally at peace. She was at her Heavenly party with everyone that preceded her in death. She told me about the party months ago.

Before Evergreen removed my mother's body, I gave her a final kiss and hug. She looked sad to be leaving us. I saw my mother again before shipping her body back to Omaha. She looked so refreshed and happy. She had a slight smile on her face. The last and final time I saw my mother, the day of her funeral, she looked as if she was laughing. That look gave me so much peace. I knew I would one day be able to cope without her physical presence. I'm not there yet, but I'm handling life without my mother way better than I expected. 

I've completed a full year without her physical presence. I still wonder if I had went with my first thought in April 2020, and moved my mother into my home then, instead of later, her quality of life would have been totally different and so much better. That will always be my one regret, I should have never moved her into Immanuel Courtyard. 

I've learned that others have regrets too, but blame me for their decisions. If it helps them cope with those decisions, then keep blaming me. God knows the truth. 

If you or someone you know has a family member, experience any of the horrible mind disease, tell the to join Purple Sherpa Basecamp on Facebook.

My First Mother's Day without Mrs. Hearst - May 14, 2023

It took me a couple of years to handle Father's Day, without an emotional breakdown. 

Here's to my first Mother's Day weekend without Mrs. Hearst. 

Another thing I realized, as I'm learning to journey through life without both my parents. My Daddy's death was different, I had my Mother. Now that both are gone, this journey is absolutely hard. 

No catch phrase will eliminate this hurt. I still have outbursts of tears. I still have days where I stay in bed. I can still hear the sounds she made as she stopped breathing. I can still see the 3 faces of death. I keep trying to delete the video as they removed her body from the house. That Ring camera caught every single moment. 

I'm happy for everyone that still have their mothers, whether your relationship is good or bad. I admire those that are able to post about their deceased mother. 

Now I understand why Mrs. Hearst cried every Mother's Day after Grandma Gussie passed. She said one day I would understand. Trust I understand. 

Missing My Mom

My Mom's transition from my presence into the Lord's presence, has been very difficult for me. Although I'm happy for her entrance into HIS presence, I'm heartbroken for the loss of her presence in my life. For 59 years, 7 months, she was the constant in my life. That constant has been disrupted.

I'm happy that her battle with dementia, Alzheimer's, diabetes and a-fib are over. She was so ready to attend her Heavenly party. She even teased me about it. And from the look on her face, as her shell laid in the coffin, she is having a blast. I have to admit, a little jealousy crept in when I saw the laughter on her face. 

As I navigate the first 365 days without my Mom, some moments are great, some not so great, some extremely difficult and unbearable. Today, March 5, 2023, was extremely difficult and unbearable. It was difficult for me because I can no longer celebrate another year of life with my Mom. So, I'm not really looking forward to March 6, her actually date of birth. 

It's difficult to attend church, I fought back the tears. Seeing the elderly mothers entering, I remember how my Mom attended church until she could no longer drive herself to church. Right now, I only attend in person on the first Sunday, New Members Right Hand of Fellowship. I'm a member of the New Members Ministry. 

I attempted to start a tradition of family bowling to honor my Mom's date of birth, it wasn't successful. I won't make that mistake next year. I left the bowling alley in tears, couldn't get out of the building fast enough. Thank goodness my friend/neighbor was woke, she provided triple shots of wine. Yes, that's a thing.

The pain and emptiness I feel, is so much more different than when I loss my Dad. I'm not sure why, but it's different. Could it be I was holding my Mom's hand as she entered into HIS presence? Could it be the sound of her struggling to breathe? Could it be the habits I developed in that one year? I'm not sure. I just know some days it is extremely unbearable.

I can still hear the sound of life exiting her body. I still see the tears rolling down her face. I remember the 3 different looks of death. My Mom's mouth was open when she died at 5:30 am, Saturday, July 30, 2022. Tuesday, August 2, my Mom looked as if she was saying "I finally get to sleep". The final look, as her frozen shell, laid in that coffin, it was a look of laughter. What caused the laughter? Maybe, the same thing that caused her to smile, as she told me about the big celebration her Mom, my Grandma, told her, they would have when she arrived. Those looks were between her and God.

My next first, a trip back to Omaha. It's going to be strange. 

The Acceptance Stage of Grief

I'm in this stage of my grief - acceptance. Because I took time to enjoy my mother while she was alive. Yes, I hated the disease of dementia, but I loved the woman that was captured by it. I embraced the moments when she remembered something and felt the pain when she didn't. 

I'm glad I honored her wish of not sending her to die in the hospice care facility. That was my plan, but she asked me not to allow her to die alone. Sunday, July 24th, my mom told me she would be leaving soon. She told me I did a really good job of taking care of her. I thought I didn't. Her remembering me at that moment meant the world to me. 

Sharing her last moments was hard, but healing at the same time. I wasn't selfish by asking her to stay. I saluted her and thanked the Lord for allowing her to be my mom. Yes, I miss her deeply, but I am extremely happy for her. Mrs. Hearst's soul and spirit returned to Lord. No matter what happens going forward, I take comfort in knowing she's in HIS presence. 

The acceptance stage of grief

Death of a loved one: “I am so fortunate to have had so many wonderful years with her, and she will always be in my memories.”

Hello 2018

I entered the New Year in a different way. I attended my cousin's house party. Usually after church I go home and allow the TV to put me to sleep. But this year, I want to do things a little different.

This year I will be challenging myself physically. I'm planning to participate in my first ultra marathon, 50K or 31.1 miles. The next week the Little Rock Marathon. I've been trying to do this event since 2013. Next, 3 states in one week, Bear Lake Trifecta. After that, back to back half marathons, 2 states in one weekend.

Some ask why. I ask why not. Everyone has a goal. Mine just happens to be running. My ultimate goal is to run a half marathon in all 50 states before or by my 60th birthday. I have 33 states to conquer.

My other goals, get back to my other hobbies and produce income from those hobbies. I like sewing and writing. I stop sewing when Ge'Von became involved in sports and other activities. Then Zaneta started in sports and activities. For me, it was more important to put my life on hold until they achieved legal age.

Well, guess what, both are grown women, handling their own. So now, I can get back to me, the things I like, stuff I want to do.

Traveling is another thing I enjoy. Exploring the earth and different cultures is amazing to me. I see through spiritual eyes, He created this? He really took the time to create this for me to see? How awesome is that?

I'm also ready for a committed relationship. One on one, no secondary person. Yeah, Lenora wants her own man. While purging some clutter, I found a note to the Lord of what I wanted in a man, expected in a relationship. As I read it, I realized the last relationships didn't have those qualities. I had accepted what was presented, not what I wanted. Not anymore, no more fake it until he comes.

Another thing I need to tackle, my home renovations. Every room in my house has a started and unfinished project. I have got to finish one of them. One thing I did manage, remove the majority of the carpet. Only 2 rooms to go.

Another plan for 2018, more savings and less debt. I've started on some short term savings, which can easily be converted into long term savings. I have less than 12 years until full retirement age and have no plans to work beyond those years.

So as 2018 starts, so will my life changes. I hope you enjoy watching.