My Midnight Vent

For 25 days in July, I was terrified I may have ovarian cancer. Even though I paraded around with a huge smile on my face, the inner me was terrified. So I reached out to people. For everyone that responded and covered me with prayer, I will always be eternally grateful to them, especially my sisters, my daughters, my nieces and nephews.

But there's this one chick that I called and left an urgent message with her and sent her a text message that said "please call me it's very important". She never responded.

Last Monday was my birthday, and she decided to call me and I decided not to take the call. She called both phones and I didn't answered neither of them. Tonight she called both phones again. And again, I didn't answer. While checking my home phone voicemail, she left a message saying she really needed to talk to an old friend and vent. The first thought in my head was, what the hell.

This is the same woman that mocked me when I went through my divorce, didn't offer a pinch of comfort. This is the same woman that called me a couple of days after I buried my father to tell me how good her life is going. She did stop for a couple of seconds when I asked her if she realized I just buried my father and didn't want to hear about her good life, then she proceeded to keep talking.

I have been this woman's shoulder for so many things, including her drug abuse, each time. And various other things. But this time, I won't be turning the other cheek. She can call my phone until the cows grow wings and start flying, this shoulder is no longer available. And since I no longer have hormones, and at the request of my daughters, I agreed to watch my mouth filter, I might not want to answer the phone.

But maybe I should so I can tell her how I feel. I can't promise I might not cuss her out. Better yet, I'll remain silent and keep ignoring the phone calls. After all that's what she does best.

My Tears

As I lay here crying and hurt, I thank You God for giving me the strength to move on. My time was not wasted, it was a good experience for me. I have no regrets. I'm glad I took the chance and will never have to worry about the what if, because now I know. We met for a reason and we had our season. I'm glad I followed the advice of a friend from long ago, date him for all four seasons to get full view of him. What he thought was a life time option is an opportunity lost. When I told him he was going to miss me when I'm gone, he thought it was a joke. No joking matter when you don't cherish what God has allowed you to have. Would I change any of my actions....no, because I did what I felt and wanted to do. In the end, I realize I have a good heart. Bitterness can't occupy it. Death of a parent and sibling has taught me I can survive anything because nothing on earth can hurt as much as losing true love ones. This temporary hurt I feel today, won't last long. It's not what I expected for my birthday present but it's what I got.

My Peek Into Heaven

Today, September 21, 2014, I walked, because of medical reasons I couldn't run, my 8th half marathon of 2014, in my 3rd state and my 20th half of my life time. My goal was to finish under 4 hours. If I finished within 3 hours, that would have been wonderful. My handicap for this event, 8 weeks post hysterectomy surgery and an eye infection in the right eye.

I started walking with these two older women so I could keep a descent pace. The Maui Marathon started at 5 am because of the Hawaiian heat and humidity. It was a little scary walking in the darkness along the highway.

I didn't start having any issues until mile 10 when my feet started hurting. By mile 12, my back and legs were hurting really bad. I crossed the finish line under 4 hours. I walked around to find my running buddies and to replenish my fluids. Once we found each other, we congratulated each other on finishing vertically.

I felt fine as we headed to the restroom, just really tired. After our restroom break, I started feeling dizzy. So we sat down and discussed getting some food and liquids in me. The dizziness got worse. I remember telling my friends I was about to pass out. When I looked at them, they looked fuzzy and my ears were ringing. I looked at this couple and the woman said I didn't look good. I heard Brenda say stay with me and open your eyes. I heard Cheryl say I'm calling 911. I remember being laid on the ground as everything went white. I felt my bowels about to move on their own, I said God please don't let this be my exit. My thoughts went to my mother and daughters. Gee and NeNe would be upset. Then I was in a very white, peaceful and quiet atmosphere. I was really enjoying being here,  then I heard Brenda say look at me and I heard another woman say talk to me and I heard another woman say her pulse is faint. I also saw a white, fluffy, pulsating cloud raise up off of me. As the cloud rose up, it slowly opened up with four squares in the middle of it, like a window pane. The cloud kept pulsating and rising further into the sky until it disappeared. After the cloud disappeared, I was aware of what was actually going on, I completely passed out. Even though I was drinking a lot of fluids, it still wasn't enough for the Maui humidity.

After what I experienced today, I understand why people that get to peek into heaven and stay if given the choice. I wasn't given a choice, I was sent back. But I do think if given the choice I would have stayed. The feeling was indescribably peaceful.

Labor Day Weekend 2014

Since 2005, I have not like Labor Day weekend. I used to cringe at the thought of this weekend. Labor Day weekend 2004 was the last weekend I sent with my Daddy. Two weeks later he died. It was a moment in my life of mixed emotions. I was thankful for his death because he was suffering from cancer throughout his entire body. I was extremely hurt because the life I had known for almost 40 years was about to change.

Then Labor Day weekend 2010, big brother and only brother passed away unexpectedly from cardiac arrest. One day I was getting a message from him, the next I received a call from my mother that he had been rushed to the hospital. Later that day he was on life support. My younger sister helped my mother make the discussion to remove the ventilator. She explained to us how the machine worked, which helped us to realize he was no longer with us. I'm thankful for her medical knowledge.

Labor Day weekend 2013, one of my older sisters was rushed to the hospital because she was having chest pains. I said to myself oh God not again. As I stood over my sister she said oh God I must really be sick if you're standing here. And she was. She was diagnosed with emphysema. At that moment, I hated Labor Day weekend.

Then my favorite older daughter decided to get married Labor Day weekend 2014. I was so busy focusing on this joyous occasion that I forgot the pain this weekend always brought me. But now and now every year forward, I will have something to celebrate. Once again, my daughter has brought unknown joy to my heart.

Post Surgery

I'm into my third week post recovery, it hasn't been easy. Others that have had the same surgery, say they didn't experience as many discomforts I'm experiencing. But while watching church on TV this morning, the Holy Spirit spoke to me. Don't rush recovery, enjoy this time alone with me. After this message, I heard the doctor's words again....your cut is longer than planned because your uterus was much larger than expected, therfore your recovery will take longer.

So as I lay and sit around my house, some good days and some painful days, I thank God for covering me. I was diagnosed with two forms of endometriosis, one was causing me to bleed into the lining of my uterus. My doctor and his assistant surgeon were both amazed that I never felt ill and/or in pain on a daily basis. That's why I say God covered me.

This time to think has also given me time to think about the new life I have been given. Some things about me will stay the same, but some things need to change.