My First Mother's Day without Mrs. Hearst - May 14, 2023

It took me a couple of years to handle Father's Day, without an emotional breakdown. 

Here's to my first Mother's Day weekend without Mrs. Hearst. 

Another thing I realized, as I'm learning to journey through life without both my parents. My Daddy's death was different, I had my Mother. Now that both are gone, this journey is absolutely hard. 

No catch phrase will eliminate this hurt. I still have outbursts of tears. I still have days where I stay in bed. I can still hear the sounds she made as she stopped breathing. I can still see the 3 faces of death. I keep trying to delete the video as they removed her body from the house. That Ring camera caught every single moment. 

I'm happy for everyone that still have their mothers, whether your relationship is good or bad. I admire those that are able to post about their deceased mother. 

Now I understand why Mrs. Hearst cried every Mother's Day after Grandma Gussie passed. She said one day I would understand. Trust I understand. 

Missing My Mom

My Mom's transition from my presence into the Lord's presence, has been very difficult for me. Although I'm happy for her entrance into HIS presence, I'm heartbroken for the loss of her presence in my life. For 59 years, 7 months, she was the constant in my life. That constant has been disrupted.

I'm happy that her battle with dementia, Alzheimer's, diabetes and a-fib are over. She was so ready to attend her Heavenly party. She even teased me about it. And from the look on her face, as her shell laid in the coffin, she is having a blast. I have to admit, a little jealousy crept in when I saw the laughter on her face. 

As I navigate the first 365 days without my Mom, some moments are great, some not so great, some extremely difficult and unbearable. Today, March 5, 2023, was extremely difficult and unbearable. It was difficult for me because I can no longer celebrate another year of life with my Mom. So, I'm not really looking forward to March 6, her actually date of birth. 

It's difficult to attend church, I fought back the tears. Seeing the elderly mothers entering, I remember how my Mom attended church until she could no longer drive herself to church. Right now, I only attend in person on the first Sunday, New Members Right Hand of Fellowship. I'm a member of the New Members Ministry. 

I attempted to start a tradition of family bowling to honor my Mom's date of birth, it wasn't successful. I won't make that mistake next year. I left the bowling alley in tears, couldn't get out of the building fast enough. Thank goodness my friend/neighbor was woke, she provided triple shots of wine. Yes, that's a thing.

The pain and emptiness I feel, is so much more different than when I loss my Dad. I'm not sure why, but it's different. Could it be I was holding my Mom's hand as she entered into HIS presence? Could it be the sound of her struggling to breathe? Could it be the habits I developed in that one year? I'm not sure. I just know some days it is extremely unbearable.

I can still hear the sound of life exiting her body. I still see the tears rolling down her face. I remember the 3 different looks of death. My Mom's mouth was open when she died at 5:30 am, Saturday, July 30, 2022. Tuesday, August 2, my Mom looked as if she was saying "I finally get to sleep". The final look, as her frozen shell, laid in that coffin, it was a look of laughter. What caused the laughter? Maybe, the same thing that caused her to smile, as she told me about the big celebration her Mom, my Grandma, told her, they would have when she arrived. Those looks were between her and God.

My next first, a trip back to Omaha. It's going to be strange. 

The Acceptance Stage of Grief

I'm in this stage of my grief - acceptance. Because I took time to enjoy my mother while she was alive. Yes, I hated the disease of dementia, but I loved the woman that was captured by it. I embraced the moments when she remembered something and felt the pain when she didn't. 

I'm glad I honored her wish of not sending her to die in the hospice care facility. That was my plan, but she asked me not to allow her to die alone. Sunday, July 24th, my mom told me she would be leaving soon. She told me I did a really good job of taking care of her. I thought I didn't. Her remembering me at that moment meant the world to me. 

Sharing her last moments was hard, but healing at the same time. I wasn't selfish by asking her to stay. I saluted her and thanked the Lord for allowing her to be my mom. Yes, I miss her deeply, but I am extremely happy for her. Mrs. Hearst's soul and spirit returned to Lord. No matter what happens going forward, I take comfort in knowing she's in HIS presence. 

The acceptance stage of grief

Death of a loved one: “I am so fortunate to have had so many wonderful years with her, and she will always be in my memories.”

Hello 2018

I entered the New Year in a different way. I attended my cousin's house party. Usually after church I go home and allow the TV to put me to sleep. But this year, I want to do things a little different.

This year I will be challenging myself physically. I'm planning to participate in my first ultra marathon, 50K or 31.1 miles. The next week the Little Rock Marathon. I've been trying to do this event since 2013. Next, 3 states in one week, Bear Lake Trifecta. After that, back to back half marathons, 2 states in one weekend.

Some ask why. I ask why not. Everyone has a goal. Mine just happens to be running. My ultimate goal is to run a half marathon in all 50 states before or by my 60th birthday. I have 33 states to conquer.

My other goals, get back to my other hobbies and produce income from those hobbies. I like sewing and writing. I stop sewing when Ge'Von became involved in sports and other activities. Then Zaneta started in sports and activities. For me, it was more important to put my life on hold until they achieved legal age.

Well, guess what, both are grown women, handling their own. So now, I can get back to me, the things I like, stuff I want to do.

Traveling is another thing I enjoy. Exploring the earth and different cultures is amazing to me. I see through spiritual eyes, He created this? He really took the time to create this for me to see? How awesome is that?

I'm also ready for a committed relationship. One on one, no secondary person. Yeah, Lenora wants her own man. While purging some clutter, I found a note to the Lord of what I wanted in a man, expected in a relationship. As I read it, I realized the last relationships didn't have those qualities. I had accepted what was presented, not what I wanted. Not anymore, no more fake it until he comes.

Another thing I need to tackle, my home renovations. Every room in my house has a started and unfinished project. I have got to finish one of them. One thing I did manage, remove the majority of the carpet. Only 2 rooms to go.

Another plan for 2018, more savings and less debt. I've started on some short term savings, which can easily be converted into long term savings. I have less than 12 years until full retirement age and have no plans to work beyond those years.

So as 2018 starts, so will my life changes. I hope you enjoy watching.

It's Working for Me

Everyone has to find a solution to their own weight loss, body toning and/or total wellness goals. It Works products work for me. I wanted rapid weight loss and toning results, but I read that it wasn't a good idea if I wanted my results to last. So I decided for my 2016 New Year, New You goal, I would gradually lose the menopause weight and tone my entire body. My target date, November 30, 2016, the day before I board a plane to Negril, Jamaica.

I'm seeing the progress, I'm getting back into clothes I couldn't wear in 2015. The scale isn't moving but the inches are dropping. I pause a little longer in front of the mirrors now.

My products of choice:

Daily - Greens, It's Vital Core Nutrition, EstroRHYTHM and Hair Skin Nails

For workouts - ProFit, New You and It's Essential

My extras - Ultimate Body Applicator aka Body Wraps, Cleanse, Fat Fighters, Energy and Green Chews

I'm getting better and better with my diet, I still have food choices slip ups, but not like before. I'm getting better at preparing my own meals. I still like to drink alcoholic beverages, but I've limited myself to special occasions. My next special occasion will be my 54th birthday celebration in November and my trip to Negril in December.

If you're interested in starting your own weight loss, body toning and/or wellness journey the It Works way, contact me at 972-948-9816 or visit my website at www.noracanwrap.com. I'm not an expert, I just know what's working for me.