I Have 99 Problems and Cancer WILL NOT Be One of Them

HiThis post is not for anyone to feel sorry for me, this is just what is on my mine and what I'm currently going through.

I had my normal yearly rape session, pap smear and pelvic exam, last year in October (2013). After the exam my doctor said she didn't like the way things felt. So she requested an ultrasound to check on those fibroids.  Me being who I am, didn't put too much into it because fibroids have been invading my body since I was about 38. I delayed getting the ultrasound until April 2014. In the mean time I noticed that my abdomen was increasing and the area was getting harder. I jokingly blame it on my guy for making me too happy.

After the ultrasound, my doctor called me in for a consultation. The ultrasound tech was unable to locate one of my ovaries, the other ovary she couldn't tell if it was the ovary or a fibroid, my uterus was enlarged, the largest fibroid had shrunk to 4.9 cm, but an additional one had grown. In her medical opinion, she suggested I get a hysterectomy to remove my uterus because an enlarge uterus is a sign of uterine cancer. So I asked if there is a test we could do to be more positive because I preferred not to have any surgery. She gave me a look and scheduled me for a CA125 blood test. After the blood test I start my campaign of "today is the best day of my life".

Again, I didn't make a big deal about getting the blood test, but I eventually did. The results would be ready in 3 days. In the meantime, one of my sisters became really worried about me, to the point she started stressing me. On day 3, I called for the results, my doctor wanted to do a biopsy right away. I became a little concerned because my doctor isn't into doing a lot of unnecessary testing. I delayed the biopsy because I didn't want anything to interfere with our Grandparents Weekend with the Grands.

July 3, I arrived for the biopsy. Instead of her usual how's everything, she went right to it. The blood test came back worst than expected. It shouldn't have been over 21, yours was 481, way too high for your age. Which means you need to have a hysterectomy as soon as possible, but you need your ovaries and uterus removed. I just looked at her and said I don't want to have any surgery. She kind of raised her voice and said why not. Then she went into my family history of breast and ovarian cancer and said everything is pointing to you having cancer or you are developing cancer. I just looked at her. We went back and forth some more.

Finally, she proceeded with the biospy. Talk about pain. The first time she went in, she pulled out what she thought was fibroid tissue, so she had to repeat it. It felt like I was being bit and my skin was being ripped off. Two chunks of tissue and I was in pain. Then she stood up and said you need a wake up call, walked out the room and came back and handed me a business card. She said, you need to call this doctor and get in immediately, you no longer have time to watch and wait, this is about your life and walked away. Didn't say goodbye, see you later, kiss my butt. Then the nurse came in and asked me to please consider taking the Brach gene test, I said no and walked out.

While sitting in the waiting room I got my wake up call. I looked at the business card and it said Oncologist. My body maybe or has already been invaded with cancer. The tears began to flow. I called my best friend and told her what happened and asked her to find out what does the 481 really mean. I could tell from her voice it wasn't good. She said Nora get an appointment today if you can. Something I didn't want to hear. I made it to my car before I completely broke down crying. All I could think about is I didn't want to do anything to disrupt my daughter's wedding plans. I texted my guy to let him know, he was going to be hurt.

I was crying so hard the parking attendant paid my parking fee. I called my younger sister because I knew she would say something to make me laugh and she did. She said, why do you want to hold onto body parts that are trying to kill you, you don't need them anymore. I started making up excuses then she said you're acting like your daddy. That hurt but she was right. When he was diagnosed with prostate cancer, he initially refused treatment. When he did decide on treatment, cancer had spread throughout his entire body. I didn't want to put my daughters through that. More tears.

I had to pull myself together before I called my daughters. They are not going to take this too well. I was right, Gee started crying. NeNe on the other hand surprised me and went into protection mode. She told her big sister to stop crying because nothing is definite yet. Then she said you taught me God has the final say on everything, unless you were lying. She was right. Prior to this day, I talked to the Lord and told Him, I don't have a good feeling about this. He said don't focus on it, just know you don't have to give up running.

I can't talk to my guy right now, I don't know what to say. Yes, I know it's not fair to him. He's just doing what he does best, being my warrior king.

July 4, I forced myself out of bed and went running with my Sole Sisters. As I was running, I asked God for His help to give me the strength and the ability to fight for my life. No I don't want surgery, but I don't want to die before I reach 90 years of age. Yes, I'm heart broken that this is my journey at this moment. Also, I believe that sometimes we as God's creations are used to gain others' attention. So if God is using me to get your attention, please open your eyes to Him and pay attention.

When You Wake Up I Will Be Gone

When you wake today, I will be gone. My Father sent for me while you were asleep. You will wake up in what you think is a dream but it's reality.

You see God gave me an opportunity to look into heaven and I really, really loved the view. Nothing on earth compares to it. I'm sorry I chose to leave you but I left you with some great memories and some beautiful descendants.

Remember everything about me the most, even the bad, mean and ugly things about me. I loved life to the fullest. I learned that from my big brother.

My descendants are a replica of me. They are a visible me for you to see. Please love them as much as I do. They have been and they are the greatest part of me. They are in so much pain right now so please be gentle, kind and patient with them. To them, they have lost their life line. God's Angels we be surrounding them so please don't be offended if one of them blocks you from them. I requested their presence and protection over them from the moment they were born. Did I ever tell you how much I truly, truly, loved and enjoyed being their mom.

My grandchildren, so glad you were born. Don't feel cheated because I'm gone. We had some great Granny/Grands moments. We have a book about us. Now your mom is really hurting right now so be patient with her. Take the time to have one on one or group late night conversations. We did which caused an unbreakable bond between us. Create memories like we did. I always said I'm not that type of grandmother but deep down I truly was. I didn't want to steal the motherhood enjoy from your mom.

That guy I love who was smart enough to make me his wife, he doesn't know he captured my heart the very first time we met. He has been to me more than just a husband. He is my soul mate which means he is really hurting today. But encourage him after he is done grieving, go out and find himself another woman to enjoy his beautiful heart. She can't replace me (because I'm me) but she can have the rest of the love I was unable to use up. I tried to use up his love but he had way too much to give. Please make sure he keeps those feet together, I worked to hard to keep them soft for me.

My sisters, I truly love you. You have been my first best friends. You gave me life lessons. You got on my nerves sometimes just like I got on yours a lot of the times. Our trips and moments alone together allowed me to truly appreciate the sister I have in you. I wasn't good at saying I Love You, I hope my actions revealed it, at least the positive actions. Thanks for being the best aunts in the world to my daughters.

My sons, you were a gift to me from another mother. Thank you for seeing the value in my daughters and making them you wives. You found favor when you selected them. Right now and months and years to come, they are going to really need your strength to get them through losing me. They will adjust but they won't forget. So if one night or several nights they want to sit and talk, let them, just listen and share with them. We had many mother/daughter conversations into the wee hours of the morning. We talked about everything and some times nothing. So do me a favor and just be there always. Break the divorce curse.

To my closest friends, I don’t need to call you by name because you know who you are. You have been there for me throughout my life. Whenever God allowed our lives to cross, our friendship grew. We may have had some falling outs, but they were brief. Those take it to the grave secrets, well I took mine first. Yes, you're laughing. Oh if people only knew what is being cremated with me.

My running buddies, what can I say about you that we didn't already cover on the pavement? The same things again. Thanks for those life teachable moments. We shared so much with each other during our training, events, mimosas, meals and roadtrips. The most famous, San Antonio November 2013, my first and only spur of the moment marathon. The love you ladies showed me that day was so wonderful. We accomplished so much with each other.

The people who's path I crossed and you spent more time judging me or trying to find something wrong with me, your loss. I may have been a little on the crazy side but not enough to get a check, you should have embraced those moments. But take this as an opportunity to enjoy the next crazy person(s) that may remind you of me.

To the people who's last nerve I got on or I just couldn't bring myself to be nice or kind to you, I'm truly sorry. That's my loss for not trying to do better at getting to know you.

In the end, I embraced my life with so much enjoyment. I have been able to love life, especially my birthdays. I was able to knock some things off my bucket list, which was never ending on earth. I made mistakes which turned into lessons learned, thanks Zaneta. I was able to write my first book, thanks Ge'Von. When I look back over my life, yes that song is playing in my head, my life has been great for me. Thank you for allowing me to share it with you. I hope you will remember in those moments when you do something and know I would enjoy it. So when you stop crying about me leaving to go live with my Father, have a dance party. Matter of fact, you can start playing the dance music now. This the end of me on earth but the beginning of some great look back moments for you. Love you much.

P.S. I miss you.

The Mother of the Bride

My first born, my gift I asked God for is getting married. This is a joyous occasion for her and me. She has always had the desire to become a wife. Now she has been presented with the opportunity.

At first, I was totally against her choice for her husband. But then, a very good friend, a praying good friend interceded. She told me seek God to make him into the husband and man of God she deserves, so I did.

To be able to watch how these two gel together has truly been a blessing. I wanted a husband for both my daughters, men they could and would be able to depend on. One that when things get tough, he will not seek out another woman to fulfill whatever he feels is missing from their relationship. My child has that in this man.

I want a protector for my granddaughters. A man that will learn to love them as if they have his blood running through their veins. A man that will drop by their classroom to make sure things are going well at school. A man that when they call him daddy, he responds as a daddy would.

The planning process for my child's wedding is very time consuming. My sister purchased her wedding dress. The search for the perfect accessories have begun. My desire is for her to be the princess walking down the aisle to her king.

Sending out invitations has be hecked. Thinking we have sent invitations to everyone, only to realize we have missed several family members. Some invitations came back with invalid addresses. So I hope people will understand, we have put forth our best effort.

The bummer in this whole exciting time in our lives, my body is trying to get sick and prevent me from helping the way I had intended. But we will make it work by refocusing.

Our refocus now, people are not replying to the RSVP line. I realize this may seem antiquated in this age of social media, but necessary to ensure we have prepared the correct amount of food, order the correct amount of place settings, etc. People will be ticked if they are not allowed to attend the reception because they failed to call the RSVP line. Saying I think I will attend or sending a text message or RSVPing on Facebook, is not acceptable. So come 11:59 pm on July 31, the RSVP line will be shut off. If we have met the required number of guest... We will have a list of guest that missed the deadline,  who will be able to attend if we have some last minute cancelations.

This moment is all about my baby and her beau, that's what matters to me right now. Since February 16, 1985, she has been one of the most important people in my life. Until after the reception on August 30, 2014, it will be all about her. Everything else will have to take a backseat.

HLB Love Poem

I love you so much.

I love how your eyes staring at me see into me. The way your lips move when you talk to me.

I love the way your hands caress my body its like you have been waiting to touch me all of your life. Like my body is just for you.

I love the way you intertwine your legs with mine and rest your face on my neck, then pull me so close to you that air can't even squeeze through.

I love how you can feel something is wrong without me saying anything. You don't have to be in my presence but you can feel it.

I love the feel of your snoring on my back, neck or chest, it's like a rhythmic vibration that puts me into a deep sleep.

I love the way you call my name when my mind has drifted off to the unknown.

You call me your Queen of the Amazon, a role I enjoy fulfilling.

I love how we talk about any and everything. 

When you say stop it, my mind obeys but my lips don't.

I love how every time I try to end us, you fight for us and won't allow it.

You are my King and don't realize it.

I love the way you have patience with our grandchildren.

I love how you make me feel secure.

I love you for loving me.

I love you because when I got the cancer diagnosis you went to God on my behalf. Like you said God knows how hard you prayed for me. That's how a man loves a woman.

I now realize you are my warrior.

I love that you know just what to say when I have my breakdown moments.

I love you because even though you couldn't attend my doctor's appointment in person, you attended via the phone.

I love you because from the moment I was told I needed a hysterectomy and became scared, you covered me with words of encouragement and your strength.

I love you because you blocked my down days by making them into down moments.

I love you because you apologized for hurting me.

I love you because the silly, stupid stuff you text me can make me laugh so loud, others want know what I just read.

I love you because the wedge that now divides us is visible but yet invisible.

I love you because as much as I didn't like my after surgery body, you kept telling me how sexy I was to you.

Even though distance divides us, I will love you forever.

The Past Is Chasing Me

So the saying is that you can catch a man when you have a man. My past has been trying to become my present. Summer Fling called me unexpectedly one night. I hadn't heard his voice in such a long time that I didn't know who he was, which didn't sit too well with him. He wanted me to move Sweetness aside for him. Then Mr. Big left me a voice message calling me his fiancée. He wants to come visit me this summer, kind of like what he has been saying for the past 3-4 years. And let's not forget Stalker Steve, this dude just will not go away. I ignore every single attempt he makes to contact me, every single attempt.

Summer Fling continues to call and text me with these lame messages of how much he wants to work on a committed relationship. So much bull coming out of his mouth, I wonder if he can taste it. Mr. Big didn't like the idea of me focusing my attention on another man, but hey he never showed much interest. Plus the time I did visit him, he gave off such a negative vibe, it killed any interest I may have had in him.

As for the persistent Summer Fling, I've chosen to ignore him. It's also true, you don't miss what you had until someone else has her. Well Sweetness has my full attention. And if by chance Sweetness does lose my attention, I still will never give Summer Fling or Mr. Big any of my time.