Ending of 2010

Ending of 2010

The end of 2010 is approaching and I’ve taken time to reflect upon my year. Let’s see, I entered the year preparing for my daughter’s high school graduation and my college graduation. Her high school graduation caused me to cry several times out of praise to God for getting us to that point of her life. Receiving my first degree caused me tears because I didn’t complete it before my Dad’s death and before my Mom became too ill to really travel comfortably. But I got it, with my Dad’s last name on it, something he wanted.

Then I had foot surgery to remove a bunion that had been bothering me for years. It was an interesting experience because it reversed the parent/child role for a moment; my daughters became my primary caregivers. My granddaughters even tried to help. Skye always made sure I wasn’t hurting and Payton kept trying to take the boot and crutches away.

NeNe went away to college in Virginia. I know she was scared to attend college so far away, but I was very proud of her for taking the challenge. To make her journey to Virginia fun, at every state line we crossed, we stopped at the welcome centers and took pictures. Our funniest stop was in Georgia. It was dark and all the bugs were making noise, the state marker was placed way off from the parking lot. I had to run through the grass begging God not to let anything crawl on me or grab me. I had the itches for a couple of hours.

Gee has made it through an entire year without having to move back home. She came back temporarily when I had my foot surgery and when my car broke down. I have to step back and allow her to experience life’s ups and downs. It’s not easy watching my child bump her head, but the best lessons are the taught lessons. I really don’t want to see her make some of the same stupid mistakes I made, so I continually pray for her life. I’m more of a hindrance to her and I can accept that. The parents I know want their children to have more than what they had in life, me included.

With my new found emptynest, I started to focus on me. I enrolled in college full-time. I knew it would be a challenge because I have been attending part-time for several years. I forgot to take into account, I work full-time. Duh, Lenora, but I took the challenge anyway. I hit a road block with the sudden death of my big brother. It took a moment to get my focus back, but with determination I did. I didn’t do as well as I wanted, my grades were lower than I planned them to be. One class I’ll have to repeat, such is life and I’m not quitting.

My social life isn’t what I really wanted it to be, but I made that determination. Can’t socialize if you don’t leave the house. So I’m making an effort to get out of the house more often during my four weeks break from school. But first I need to get my sleep on, my body is tired. Plus, I love my home and having it all to myself. I’m going to venture outside of the walls, I promise myself.

I’m excited about entering into 2011; I have set some goals to achieve. They’re not resolutions; they will be some lifestyle changes. Things that have been pointed out to me during my mediation time with the Lord. I’ve gotten to the point where I’m tired of repenting and the spiritual spankings. I learned today, while listening to a message by Bishop Benjamin Gibert, I need to determine the things in my life that are wants or needs for me. God said He will supply all of my needs; my wants are favor I would like from Him.

I’ve decided to do something different on New Year’s Eve; I’m going out to a party. That right there might be a blog post in itself.

I Am So In Love...

I am so in love with Lenora (No Middle Name) Hearst. I have known her all of her life. I love the way her hair feels, soft as silk, whether it’s straight or kinky. I love her penetrating eyes that seem to be able see reality. I love her soft full lips, so gentle to the touch. I love the way you can feel the warmth of her heart by the touch of my hands. I love the two Cesarean scares on her stomach, which through them she brought life into the world. I love her legs, long as they may be, for such a short woman. I love her feet, they may seem big for such a petite woman, but those feet have carried her to many places and away from a lot of forbidden territory.

When did I begin falling in love with her, I’m not sure of the time or date. But I remember some moments in her life that caught my attention and caused me to start taking notice. The birth of her first child, she had to make an extremely tough decision within seconds on February 16, 1985. She had to decide on her life or that of her baby, but it had to be now because both of them maybe dying. She chose the life of her child. Even though someone said you can have another baby, she wanted this one. I think she might have remembered God’s promise during her entire pregnancy; He had some plans for this child.

In August 1990, when she realized she was pregnant and at the same time, realized, she would be doing this journey alone. She couldn’t understand why she lost the baby from the man she truly loved, but she knew God gave her this gift of life for a reason. She still appreciates not listening to the naysayers that kept insisting she have an abortion. All these years later, she can laugh at the naysayers because they have yet to realize that her daughter’s name means “Most Gracious Gift from God”.

In August 1997, she left an abusive marriage, the nightmare she calls it. It wasn’t how the nightmare treated her, but when she felt he might be abusing her daughters, it caused her to leave. She chose the safety of her daughters to seek her freedom. Yes, she was talked about for marrying the nightmare so quickly, but only a few took notice that something had to be going on for her to leave. She has it thrown up in face all these years later, but through that nightmare marriage, she gained another connection to God. She learned how much true control over her life He has.

In 2006, God told her He was going to take her through several storms. Those storms taught her many things; developed a strength in her that has caused me to love her so much more. The choices she had to make, the right decisions she made. Imagine how she left during that year, the tax bill on her home caused her mortgage to double, she lost her job, had to give her car back, her first grandchild was about to be born, her home flooded, every utility in her house had been shut off, her bank accounts were either empty or closed, her relationship came to an end, and people she had helped, turned their backs on her. Watching her go through these storms helped me to gain a better understanding of who this woman really is. She never gave up, she hung in there. She cried herself to sleep and got up the next morning with determination to succeed.

In June 2010, her heart became elated, she had accomplished what several people thought would not happen. She graduated with her Associates degree and her younger daughter graduated from high school. She yet again proved the naysayers wrong; both her daughters graduated high school without babies. Why would people want her family to fail still puzzles her, but doesn’t hinder her.

She decided to wait until her daughter left for college to start a serious relationship, but each day she chooses to spend time with me. She doesn’t allow just anyone to come near us. Yeah, she had some romantic interest, but were they really worthy of her love, her mind, her body. Although the news media says women her age will not get married, she chooses to believe what God has said, He knows all.

No Lenora (No Middle Name) Hearst is not perfect, but she’s perfect for me. I love her so much. It tickles me how she has embraced being an emptynester. She’s gone back to school full-time to obtain another degree, for her. She does things like that, she can now. She sacrificed 25 years of her life for her daughters, now it’s her turn. She is truly happy. Like this weekend, she jumped in her car and drove to Omaha to visit her mother and hangout with her friends. She sang to me all the way; no she cannot carry a tune, but the songs came from her heart and that’s what matters. I think she kind of got emotional singing MJB’s I Can See Colors, it described her.

I’m so in love with this woman and if she chooses to open her heart to another man, he would be a fool to let her get away. I’m glad I didn’t sleep on her, I’m glad I took the time to get to know her and appreciate the woman she has become. I love her and I will be letting her know how much I love her each and every second. I won’t waste my time on what others think about her, because they don’t know her, I do. Insight or out of sight, I love me some Lenora (No Middle Name) Hearst, she’s my baby, my girl, my woman.

She’s Coming Home

NeNe is coming home for Thanksgiving. I’m kind of excited to see her, not as excited as her big sister. I’m excited because I can hear a little maturity in her voice. When we talk on the phone, I can hear the independence growing in her. I’m excited because I miss seeing my baby every day by choice.

I hope her time here will do her some good because she has been extremely homesick. The 2:30 a.m. call I received one morning still rings fresh in my memory. It took her dad and me an hour to get her calmed down. It was the call he needed to say, I’m bringing my baby back home. He never wanted her that far away.

NeNe has already made plans to stay with her big sister Gee, which I’m fine with and expected it. Those two are something else together. Always arguing with each other, but hard to separate. Gee has already informed her supervisor she will not be at work because her baby sister is coming home. Nique, NeNe’s best friend, texted me to inform me that she would be picking up NeNe from the airport. Nique is more directionally challenged than I am. I know the names of the airports, she doesn’t.

I hope NeNe’s time here will help her to realize that she isn’t missing much and will agree to complete her full year at VSU. She wants to come back to Texas for school. The distance from home has allowed her to understand and appreciate home. She knows now that I’m not trying to control her, but developing her into a productive, successful woman.

NeNe is coming home, I can hear the excitement in her voice. I’m sure I won’t see much of her because all her friends think it’s all about them. NeNe had the nerve to put me on her schedule, with my car and my money. Imagine that.

NeNe and Gee together again will be a Color Purple moment. Watch out Dallas, the sisters will be back together again in less than 24 hours. I did something right as a mother, I taught my daughters to love one another unconditionally; to depend on each other; to support each other; and to trust each other. Yep, my girls back together again, I’m getting excited just thinking about it.

Missing Him....

I woke up this morning in tears because I am really missing him. I had no idea I would miss him this much. Well, yes I did. I was doing okay until yesterday evening I tried to call him and he wouldn’t answer the phone. I kept saying I know you hear the phone ringing so just answer it. You know it’s me because caller id is flashing across the TV. Man dang it, just answer the phone. Then I realized that it’s not that he wouldn’t answer the phone, he couldn’t. I forgot for the moment, because of the exciting news I wanted to share, that he was gone. He’s resting in peace. The tears began to flow. I couldn’t stop them. I didn’t even realize I had stopped in the middle of the street.

This morning I awoke to the memories of his last day. I can still remember his heart beat as it faded away. I think I’m getting kind of extra emotional because my birthday is coming up. Since I’ve been in Dallas he has called me at 12:01 a.m. every year to wish me Happy Birthday. This year will be different. I’m trying to be excited, I even made plans to celebrate, but the heartache is still present. This is a different heartache from the one I felt in 2004. But it still hurts.

To handle this heartache, I’m not running from God like I did the last time, I’m running to Him. I’m not angry like before, just hurt. I’m still trying to adjust to him being gone as well as one of the Village Moms being gone. Our holidays will be different. This is the first year I will not be going to Omaha for Thanksgiving by choice. The other times either I didn’t have the vacation time or I couldn’t afford it. But this year I don’t want to go. I know I wouldn’t be able to handle it.

So I sit hear crying, missing him and also thanking God for blessing me to have been an important part of his life, one of his baby sisters.

My Emptynest: Is It Really Empty or Are They Just on Vacation?

I was talking to my co-worker Amanda about my daughters and she asked me “is it really empty or are they just on vacation?” And it got me to thinking, would I be wrong if I changed all the locks on the doors to my home? Yes and no. You see this is the first time in my soon to be 48 years of life that I have lived alone. I absolutely love it. It is so much you can do in your home alone. No one asking moma can I have this, when will you this, how come you this, etc.

NeNe wants to come back to Texas for school, she’s extremely homesick. Gee comes over almost every day. My granddaughter Skye is still trying to plot how she is going to move in. I’ve spent a couple of weekends with Payton; she eats too much and she talks a lot, don’t know what she’s saying, but she’s talking to me.

I finally put the shower curtain back up in the “community” bathroom, only because my best friend Jo and my sister Cynthia were coming to visit. I think Gee took it as her invitation to start washing her hair over here again, NOT! I decide to take it back down this weekend. The new shower curtain makes the bathroom look more decorative, but it’s too inviting.

So do I really have my house to myself or are those two daughters really on vacation? When I was preparing the bedroom for Jo’s visit, the room NeNe occupied, I couldn’t believe all the stuff I found. NeNe had money everywhere. I attempted to clean under her bed, big mistake. I think she really was staking her claim to my bedroom I allowed her to utilize all these years. There are so many shoes boxes underneath the bed. I only looked in five boxes, two were empty, one had a book she shouldn’t have been reading in it, another one had markers, pencils and pens in it, and the other had some whatever stuff. I couldn’t go on, had to stop, that will be a project for NeNe when she comes home for Thanksgiving.

Gee fought with me tooth and nail because she didn’t want to remove her stuff from the bedroom she used to occupy. I had to threaten her (well it really wasn’t a threat, because I meant it) with changing the locks. I had already picked out some new ones at Lowes. Gee’s a slick one, I thought she moved her stuff too fast that day. I was right, I checked the closet, she stuffed everything in there. What’s up with my daughters staking claim on my property?

So do I really have an emptynest or are they on vacation? What do you think? Will I get my boarders back, temporarily or permanently? Lord I hope only NeNe comes back temporarily. I’m confident Gee will make it on her own this time, at least until she gets married. She just needs to drop that microwave attitude. Am I wrong because I love my freedom of having my house to myself? All of my utilities have gone down. I finally have a water bill under $65. Would I be wrong if I change all the locks, change the security pass code, and change both my phone numbers? Is that bad parenting or a woman that loves her own space?

I think since I’m finally living alone after almost 48 years of sharing my space, the next person I share it with should be my husband or a puppy. Those daughters of mine need to go on long term vacations. They can make it, I’ve taught them well. Rather they choose to use those skills, it’s on them. BUT I’m keeping my emptynest because it really is empty and they are not on vacation.