I had no intentions of walking away from God, but I did. When I really sit back and think about it, I actually began my journey away with the end of my marriage. The nightmare marriage affected my prayer life, I spent so much time crying at night, I stopped praying before going to bed. Then I was upset because I was still hurting in the morning, I stopped praying when I woke up. My big journey away started with the death of my Dad. I was so angry and hurt, but thankful my Dad's pain and suffering was over. I had all kinds of emotions going on. I refused any counseling because I knew I was pissed off, didn't need anyone telling me something I already knew.
First, I started being late for my ministry duties. Then I was late or skipping our meetings. When I did attend, I impatiently waited for them to end. Finally, I decided to step down. Our ministry leader, Mrs. Opera Brown said honey go get healed and come back, take all the time you need. With those words, I left Oak Cliff Bible Fellowship.
So from 2004 to present, I jumped around visiting different churches trying to find my missing part. I joined two different churches during this time, Friendship West and the Potter's House. I never felt like I belong to either church, I couldn't get myself to commit to a ministry or regular attendance. Whatever was missing in me, I wasn't finding it in those churches. I even tried the club scene, I still didn't belong. The drinking heavy scene didn't work for me either. I soon realized that no matter how far I strayed from God, His grip on me never loosened, no matter what I tried.
In August 2011, God orchestrated me getting introduced to running. I fell in love with running, it gave me true peace. During my first half marathon, April 2012, I ran right back into the arms of the Lord. The more I ran, the more I connected with Him.
My mother, my spiritual mom and my best friend Jo, never judged me or condemned me during this journey. They loved me unconditionally. Shared their wisdom and slipped in advice every now and then. I'm not sure what made Jo start opening our Sunday conversations with "did you go see Jesus today", but I'm truly thankful. I got so tired of her say it, I made a commit to myself that I would start back attending church regularly with OCBF during their Solemn Assembly. Solemn Assembly is a time of fasting and praying the first full week of the new year. My fasting goal was to find something I would really miss, so I picked Facebook. I also committed to reading a daily devotion in the morning and studying my Bible as much as possible. I also asked God to give me peace at church again.
I attended the Solemn Assembly services and I kept coming back every Sunday. I felt at home, like I never left. The only time I have missed church have been to attend church with my daughter, running events, vacation or illness. Only once I've missed because I wanted to, and I felt like I missed a whole day of life.
One Sunday, the message came out of Psalm 23. The verses spoke to me, He spoke to me:
I AM your Shepherd; you shall not want. I WILL maketh you to lie down in green pastures: I WILL leadeth you beside the still waters. I WILL restoreth your soul: I WILL leadeth you in the paths of righteousness for MY name's sake. Yea, though you walk through the valley of the shadow of death, you will fear no evil: for I AM with you; MY rod and MY staff they comfort you. I WILL preparest a table before you in the presence of your enemies: I WILL anointest your head with oil; your cup will runneth over. Surely I WILL cause goodness and mercy to follow you all the days of your life: and you will dwell in the MY house for ever.
I'm back at OCBF, where I belong. I haven't renewed my membership, but I plan on it. I even attended church one Sunday after a running event. I arrived just in time for the sermon. I will always love my mother, Delsine Hearst, for introducing me to God. My Aunt Christine Harrison, for never failing to show the Jesus in her. My spiritual mom, Betty Evans, for sharing her wisdom and giving me discipline. My best friend, Jo Jay, for making sure I got up every Sunday morning to attend church. And my coworker, Evangelist Louise Turner, for her subtle, but direct guidance. Through these ladies, I remain His no matter what. I may at times get it wrong, but I'm still His.
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